10.21.23 ~ Reflecting

 

More of this.  Less of the energies of today….

 

Ya.

Not liking the energy today.  Feels off.  Struggling to feeeeeeeeeeeel good – at all.  Was up early – agitated – very. agitated as in it took all of my energy, practices, etc. to soothe and calm down.

And even that felt fake. Forced.

Just more distracting.

My heart knows what it wants.  P E R I O D.  No denying that.  

The weather is not helping.  Cold.  Heavy clouds.  Occasional mist – someone above turning on one of the giant shower heads on spray.  Jesus, I thought – just turn it on full blast, get it over with and give us some sun!  Smells yug.  Mouth tastes like metal the past 2 days.

Attacks anyone?

Could NOT handle being inside this house one more second though, so I got on my bike, braced for the cold, crappy air and rode and rode and rode.  Fast.  Imagining all of my angst leaving.

Didn’t work of course other than to alleviate it a bit.  It’s in my mind.  My brain.  My heart.  My entire being.  No amount of bike riding will give me what I need.

I need the real deal.

I know ya’ll do as well – those with whom I talk to.  Those who are having a honeymoon of a time – well I don’t think they come here anymore.  😂😜

I’m getting angrier to be honest – angrier that it’s taking this long so others get the chance to play some level of catching up.  I don’t care about them.  I care about my kid who is stuck in this dayem mask-wearing, jabberwacky radiating supporters sunflower TDS gender neutral bathrooms once all girls clubs now open to all who identify AS a girl what is that is that a girl or a boy – she wants new – she needs new – NOW – yesterday – 3 years ago – and mama is throwing dart after f’ing dart at the dartboard trying to make such a move happen doable possible receiving block after block trying to stay sane and wear a smile everyday meanwhile her brain is starting to crack and her patience is sooooooooo f’ing thin now.

THAT IS WHO I CARE ABOUT.

I’m not ra ra unity everyone, ok?  Perhaps once the truth is actually dropped everywhere without ANYTHING ANYONE interfering or spinning – yes.  But now?  I don’t have that faith in humanity anymore as I once did.

So many dayem narratives.  We doing this for the normies.  But…..There are only a few of us left here and we’re awake (so then who is all of this show and tell for then? Hmmm?)  We gotta do the work before we get out.  Yeah?  Fuch that.  I NEED A VACATION.  I NEED TO BE PAMPERED.  THAT is the kind of “self work” I  need.  I’ve been doing the “work” for 30 years- self healing self reflecting reading counseling exploring herbs and meditation and every dayem new age guru etc. etc.  Anyone needing to do the work to get outta here – are those practicing and supporting evil.  THEY are the ones needing to “do the work”.  We’re POW’s who are traumatized and forced to survive in this world that is sooooo unnatural for us all.  As I said recently – you’re a miracle if you can get through the day – especially now – without smacking someone and holding a smile and word of kindness for another.

And in all honesty – for those of you at this for yearsssssssss – doesn’t the self “work” stuff feel unnatural now?  Forced?  Even perhaps fake?

Yeah.  Starting to feel that way for me as well.

What’s going on out there?  Anyone?  lol

I’ll dive in later – perhaps.  For now I got more homemade bread going and gonna make some comfort food for dinner.  Although homemade bread with real butter sounds comforting in and of itself.

Love,

V.

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