should’ve known when i saw a spider first thing this morning – after saying last night i hadn’t seen any spiders around for a few weeks which is unheard of – that today was going to threaten to take me down.
one for the matrix today. mama v’s heart is hardened today. even heard of neighbor’s story – haven’t paid rent for a few months – spouse very ill – normally i would want to help but after their neglect towards my girl and how their daughter’s treated her – combined with who i am now – after getting enough words that have essentially told me i’m a worthless lazy piece of crap who doesn’t deserve a good life because i haven’t done x y z or whatever………….today – the matrix wins. i don’t f’ing care about anything now other than money and getting as much of it as i can however that looks. anyone holding a different thought can stand in front of my daughter and tell her to just be patient and hold on a little bit more we’re almost there.
she now thinks her mom is crazy for her beliefs.
maybe i am.
and maybe i am not deserving of anything good.
maybe i should never have come here – volunteered for this. maybe i was never up for it.
maybe i am a failure and a total loser for all of this trauma inside of me that i’ve allowed to happen and kept going and trying thinking something would work but maybe none of it is working because i have some nasty attachment to me or maybe it all boils down to no one caring about me in the way my heart needs. maybe i need too much. maybe i’ve pushed myself too hard and became hardened along the way – i don’t know what to do to help myself anymore. or to help my child.
i obviously haven’t been able to help my spouse. every idea i had turned into sheot.
i don’t know where i belong. i don’t know what to do. i’m done surrendering to some invisible “god” who obviously doesn’t exist because if there was such an energy/consciousness, my girls daily and nightly intentions and prayers would have been answered by now. whatever is here – is so filtered – it takes many of us united together holding the same intention to bring out positive change.
done with flakes. done with liars. done with idiots still wearing masks and injecting poison in their bodies. done with fools who chant trump 2024 and drive off in mercedes to one of their many homes while claiming they’re a patriot. done with anyone who says to pray. tell that to the 4 year old little boy whose daddy killed himself a couple of years ago because he couldn’t take it here anymore. heard today he’s really having a tough time. they have a lot of people praying for them – but that doesn’t bring back what he needs: a daddy.
this plan is making this whole place worse. let’s at least call a spade a spade: this. plan. is. not. helping. any. of. us. this isn’t how you bring about change. you can take out evil and still have a plan in place that HELPS OTHERS AT THE SAME TIME INSTEAD OF TAKING THINGS AWAY.
right?
that’s all for now.
love,
v.
