editor’s note: oh my – just reading the opening sentences had my entire chest well up with tears and pain – lots of pain still going on in this body. i have been doing my best to remind myself to pay attention to the words i tell myself. not just about myself but about life. this quiet voice has been nudging me for months to “speak words of love” – not because i am being fake but because my words are powerful and each word spoken in disgust, anger, rage, doubt, sadness sends those frequencies throughout my body – all beginning in my mouth. today i was able to see this – for me much of these energies seem to stay in my mouth. the mail carrier delivered our mail and i went out to greet him and talk with him. he recently was attacked by a dog and it was his suggestion to get an airhorn that we purchased one for myself to keep my girl and i safe at these parks. he shared another incidence and i too shared a recent incidence (did not share here – it wasn’t the dog that was the issue – it was the owner who refused to leash her dogs and antagonized my mate and myself as well as our little girl by bringing the dogs closer to where our girl was playing – oh my god she was horrid!)…anyway so i began speaking about this, my voice raising, heartbeat going up and i could feel my entire mouth swell up inside. the tension. you see, i tend to get angry first. it takes me awhile to reach the pain. and with this recent situation, while there is anger, most of it is pain – pain as in WHY would you do something like this? why would you, an adult, not care about a child’s fear? anyway….ALLOWING myself to revisit the situation just brought it all up again and i was only feeding it by speaking of it.
what is the answer? i don’t know anymore. do any of you ever feel you have been kicked around so long you don’t know where to begin? is crying enough? i’ve gotten good at asserting myself – that doesn’t guarantee an anti-asshole shield though. how do i know when i am “DONE” with a trauma? a painful experience? when i finally decide? when my human me, my brain decides? when my body says so? my soul? when i say “NO” when the emotions come up again? is full healing really possible in this realm with these bodies as they are? i don’t know anymore. i really don’t. so i am reading this piece and see if there are some things i could be different to help heal. i hope some of you can benefit from this as well.
love,
victoria
******
September 18th, 2018
Guest writer for Wake Up World
The feeling in your chest just won’t go away, and it’s starting to slowly eat you up each day.
Longing, desire, repulsion, bitterness, heartbreak, sadness, volcanic rage — so many emotions mixed together. So much pain. So much pure and unexpressed suffering.
When will these feelings dissolve? When will you finally feel calm, grounded, and happy again? It all seems like too much for one person to carry. You just want to enjoy life again without the tormenting weight of anguish and bitterness in your chest. You just want to feel whole again.
If you’re currently facing betrayal, abandonment or unfathomable loss, I want you to know that you’re not alone. I know what it’s like to carry so much pain inside of you that you go physically and mentally numb. I know how it feels to carry a shattered heart and a deep void of emptiness within. I know what its like to be on the bleeding edge of despair and utter desolation. And I have seen this struggle countless time in other people too.
But although everything around you may have lost its color, although you’re struggling to make meaning out of what has happened to you, there is hope. Like the moon and stars in the night sky, there are still beacons of light to be found in your darkness. One of these beacons is the practice of letting go.
What is Letting Go?
Letting go means being willing to release the past and future, and live in the present moment. Letting go doesn’t mean forcing yourself to get over it or making yourself forget what happened. Instead, letting go is a process of surrendering painful beliefs and emotions, and welcoming in love, understanding, forgiveness, and self-compassion.
There is no easy quick-fix or five-step-solution for letting go of feelings such as anger, fear, and grief because letting go is a process. It can take a while. But the good news is that letting go is a process that helps us to grow, mature, and find more happiness and inner freedom than we thought ever possible. Sometimes your heart needs to break a little for the light to get in.
What is the Opposite of Letting Go?
The opposite of letting go is attachment. When we attach or identify with our thoughts, we suffer. On the other hand, when we stop attaching to our thoughts and simply see them for what they are: energy that we assign meaning to, we experience freedom.
Common thoughts that we attach to which create emotions such as anger, rage, disgust, disappointment, anxiety, fear, grief, and depression, include:
- She should have been a good mother.
- If he hadn’t cheated, I would have been happy.
- Things should have gone differently.
- I should have a much nicer life by now.
- He/she shouldn’t have died.
- My boss should have promoted me.
- If I stay a little longer, he will stop his drinking.
- If I did that differently, I would be much happier by now.
- She has to change or I won’t find peace.
- They are controlling my life.
- Everything was much better in the past.
- I will be happy in the future when I get what I want.
As self-inquiry teacher, Byron Katie writes, “When I argue with reality I lose, 100% of the time.” But what does this mean?
When we attach to our beliefs about how life should go, we suffer each and every time because we are resisting what is right here and right now. When we resist reality, we also tend to adopt the role of the victim, which causes even greater suffering.
The truth is that how can we 100% know that something is completely good or bad for us? While something like a divorce or death may immediately seem like a terrible thing, how do we know that it is completely bad? Can we see every possible future outcome and consequence of such an occurrence in the present moment? Of course we can’t. Is it possible that such an experience could actually give birth to good things as well? Yet we continue to believe and insist that it shouldn’t have happened when the reality is that it is what it is. With or without our thoughts it has still happened.
Of course, experiencing a loss or trauma doesn’t mean we should ignore how we feel. It is perfectly normal and important to allow ourselves to feel the anger, confusion, grief, fear, hatred, and bitterness within us. But once we start attaching ourselves to these emotions, we experience suffering.
It is our attachment and identification with our thoughts that is the sole cause of our suffering.
42 Powerful Ways of Letting Go
As I mentioned previously, letting go is a process that takes time and effort. There is no quick and immediate way to let go of all your painful feelings. However, one of the fastest ways I have personally found of letting go is questioning and disbelieving thoughts. This method is known as self-inquiry and helps to get to the root of your suffering. Read more about self-inquiry.
However, there are dozens of other practices which can help you start the process of letting go. The techniques I have shared below can help to both indirectly and directly assist you in letting go. If one of these practices inspires you to try something new, share it with me in the comments!
Letting Go of Anger and Rage
1. Allow yourself to scream
Find a private place to unleash your emotions. If you’re too embarrassed to scream out loud, get your pillow and bury your head into it. If you have a pool, jump in and scream at the top of your lungs.
2. Watch something that makes you cry
Sadness is the emotion that often forms a sandwich around anger. In other words, anger is often a form of sadness and vice versa. To access this anger, watch a movie that makes you cry.
3. Write an enraged letter
Let out your rage through writing. Detail every little thing you’re angry about and don’t hold back your feelings. Curse, condemn and threaten the person or situation as much as you like until you’ve exhausted your feelings. Once you’re finished, rip up or bury your letter.
4. Fire ritual
On a small piece of paper, write down the name of a person who has provoked great anger inside of you. Light a candle and drop the piece of paper into the flame, watching as it burns and curls up into ash.
5. Be assertive and take no sh*t
Anger is often the result of not speaking up for ourselves and feeling oppressed by another person. To avoid repressing this emotion, learn how to negotiate and be assertive. Being assertive doesn’t mean being aggressive, instead, it is a healthy style of communication that honors your needs, as well as another’s needs.
6. Do some kicking, punching or intense exercise
Rage and anger are fiery forms of energy that can be healthily expressed through exercise. Try some form of intense workout and make your objective to feel your anger to the fullest.
7. Take responsibility for your happiness
Often, anger tends to be accompanied by blame and criticism directed towards another person. Remember that no one can take away your happiness. As hard as it is to accept, the problem isn’t the other person, it is how you react to that person. Realize that anger is a normal reaction, but it doesn’t need to define you.
8. Notice how much energy anger burns up
It takes so much of our effort and energy to hold onto grudges and bitterness. Notice how forgiveness and letting go of resentment actually increases your energy and fills you with peace.
9. Understand that anger harms you more than anyone
Staying angry at someone hurts you the most. In some cases, anger actually empowers the other person because you’re showing them how much energy and effort you’re putting into hating them. (This is why internet trolls thrive so much.)
10. What people say and do says more about them than you
Whenever another person is unkind or cruel, their behavior is secretly a reflection of how they treat themselves. This sad truth can help you feel better and also practice disarming and letting go of intense emotions.
Letting Go of Anxiety and Stress
11. Find the belief behind your fear
All forms of anxiety and stress are linked to the thoughts in our heads. What underlying belief is causing you such great fear? Remember that the thoughts are just thoughts: they don’t mean anything about you or your life until you give them meaning. So what core belief is triggering your anxiety?
12. Breathe deeply
Mindful breathing is such a simple technique yet one of the most powerful out there. When you focus on your in-breath and out-breath you are essentially drawing yourself back into the present moment. Anxiety and stress develop when our minds get lost in past or future thoughts. So breathing is a simple way of grounding you in the here and now. Deep breathing also stimulates the vagus nerve which sends signals to your brain to calm you down.
13. Use natural soothing herbs
Herbs such as damiana and holy basil are effective herbal remedies for anxiety that help to calm down your nervous system. Once your body is relaxed, you can then begin the process of letting go of anxiety-provoking thoughts. If you are struggling with extreme muscle tension and feel physically crippled by anxiety, you might even like to consider medication for a short period of time. I have nothing against medication: so long as it is a temporary method that is accompanied by proactive natural relaxation techniques.
14. Realize that you cannot control your thoughts
The reality is that we cannot control our thoughts, otherwise, don’t you think we would always choose to think positive and happy thoughts? Thoughts are spontaneous and uncontrollable. Yes, we can force ourselves to think happy thoughts, but this is not a true solution: it is simply a practice of superimposing thoughts on top of other thoughts. Although realizing that you can’t control your thoughts may be a little depressing, ultimately, it is liberating. You no longer have to shame yourself for thinking a certain way or fear that you are not good enough because you can’t think positively. Understanding that you cannot control your thoughts, but you CAN become aware of them, helps you to dis-identify with them, and therefore, stop suffering.
15. Stop fighting how you feel
Resistance to your fear creates even more tension and fear. Instead, allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling. Stay grounded through your breath and gently explore whatever is arising inside of you.
16. Stay grounded in the present moment
Practice mindful awareness to take you out of your head and into the present. Notice the colors, sounds, smells, textures, tastes, and different feelings in your body. Anchor yourself to the Now by noticing what is happening.
17. See anxiety as a teacher, not an enemy
When we demonize anxiety, we tend to increase our anxiety; this is because we are resisting what we are experiencing and labeling it as bad. Try to change your perspective. Understand that everything in life can be a teacher if we let it. Anxiety may just be your greatest teacher in life, helping you to develop self-awareness, mindfulness, compassion, and ultimately the ability to surrender to that which is beyond your control.
18. It’s OK to feel scared
It’s completely normal to feel afraid and anxious. So many people out there share your struggles. Being vulnerable to life isn’t a failure, in fact, admitting that you’re scared is actually a form of strength. It’s also normal to feel anxious about your anxiety!
19. Spend time alone to recuperate each day
Relaxing in solitude is so important for our mental health. Our thoughts tend to go a bit wild when we have no time to sit down and breathe. Make sure you spend time alone.
20. Find a relaxation technique
There are so many amazing relaxation techniques out there. Whether it be EFT (emotional freedom technique), PMR (progressive muscle relaxation), meditation, yoga, or something else, ensure you do it daily.
Continue reading here.
