Today’s Reflection ~ 1/13/19

 

I sit here on this day, fairly quiet house (child is rollerblading with some friends) and ponder what the upcoming days will both bring and what I will bring to them.

Today is my birthday.  I am therefore more reflective than normal.  I was greeted with cereal, a banana and a fig bar along with sweet cards from my girl and mate.  I didn’t want any pressure on this day – just time to reflect. And no cooking.  It continues to be a challenge to me to find that “ok” space within – being “ok” within when I long for the New.  What can I do NOW to create something New.  I have moments of desperation – just so that it is NEW.  And yet of course I know to be consciously focused on that.  I just know how powerful the longing is for the NEW.

I contemplated educational opportunities.  I like to tinker with things. take things apart and put them back together.  Small engine mechanics perhaps? Only if I don’t have to work in a toxic environment and expose myself to oils and the like.  My mate used to do this.  It’s unhealthy, he said.  You breathe all sorts of crap.  Then there is the tools I would have to buy to be one of those mobile type fixers.  The old paradox – takes money to make money.

I know how to take apart hair dryers and fans – clean them and return them to new again.  Would people pay me to do that?

I’ve run the gamut of ideas.  Writer.  Office worker.  Preschool teacher. Accompanist.    Waitress.  Fry cook.  All throughout my adult life I knew “NEW” was coming and I would or at least could be part of it.  New ways.  15 plus years ago a friend told me it was time to think outside of the box.  The old ways were dying.

Yeah, I had no idea the “dying” would take so damn long.  

I go within and ask for guidance and as I said, it’s pretty quiet in there lately in this “make money/what do I do/where do I go now” area.  And when I do go down that road, it leads to frustration.  So I do what I have been doing – accept where I am now and trust that ONE DAY all that I desire and visualize and focus ON creating and experiencing will actually manifest before my eyes.  At least a damn door will open, you know?

So I entered the living area after this morning pondering and was greeted by phone calls and messages online wishing me happy birthday.  (and according to the rules in my head I am 22, btw)

What was the most special (and much to my surprise)?  Getting my dad to sing me “Dark Moon”.  He used to sing that song when I was a kid.  Loudly. Totally out of tune.  And I LOVED it.  I remember one time when I was about 11 or so, my brother, cousin and I recorded him singing it in the shower.  My idea of course.  Our giggling busted us.  I wish I had kept that recording.

He laughed when I asked but then I realized that hearing him sing that would mean more to me than any other birthday gift I could receive.

So he belted it out.  My girl listened in as well.  She laughed hysterically while I laughed and became quite emotional.

Sometimes doing what is most obvious for another on a day such as a birthday is not always the most needed gift.  And sometimes knowing the gift doesn’t always nor have to come through thinking the question “What do I want to do today?”  Sometimes the answer comes flowing through you, quickly, unexpectedly, but it aligns within and you just KNOW what it is you need to do, to request and have and what will bring you what it is you seek in that moment.

For me, it was hearing my dad sing Dark Moon.  I don’t know why.  But my heart did and that’s what matters.

Here are to many happy birthday’s to each of us ~ here and in the New.

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Victoria

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