I Am A Highly Sensitive Being

 

i thought i would share how i experience this world – not just as me but as a highly sensitive being.

to begin i have likely pushed aside this part of me for too long.  i have known of my sensitivities for 20 years.  i remember taking a quiz in the book “The Highly Sensitive Person” and answering “yes” to every question that helped you determine if you were highly sensitive.  what a relief – i had a label – something to understand.  and to know i wasn’t alone.  however – i haven’t done as “good” of a job taking care of myself in this regard.  i either push myself too much – or simply hide from the world.

i pause as i type those words.  i know i need balance -a keyword i once read people with my numerology often struggle to achieve.

sometimes i feel diving down all of these rabbit holes in my quest for truth has actually caused me some harm – more trauma – more overwhelm than my brain can take in.   even though i’m quite good at “sucking it up” and doing when i need to – that still doesn’t negate the fact that while i’m engaged in this behavior, a piece of my brain is suffering.  and i also know that today – i’m not as adept at this as i once was.  age.  hormonal changes.and just general life fatigue caused by far too much chronic stress.

as i have shared here in recent days – sharing all of the chaos – the headlines going on now – just getting to be too much for me most days.  not all – but most.

being highly sensitive means i need a lot of time alone.

it means that when i am with a group of people and while others are talking loudly or engaged in long conversations, i am the one who will stop and notice the sky and be far more interested in that.

it means sudden, loud noises can put me into a tailspin.  if i am well rested, i can process.  if i am tired or otherwise not up to par, that loud noise can bring out the desire to scream.

same for hearing yelling…..or incessant whining……..being exposed to bright lights or loud music (that i have not turned on or selected)…….one of our local box stores has one wall along all of the checkout lines lined with televisions.  always on.  annoys the F out of me.  most of the time i can block it out – but there are times when i literally have to shield my eyes.

and the most difficult for me – the visual stimulation of traffic.  lots of it – coming and going – honking – and being stuck in it.  that can push me over the edge even on my best days now.

for me it also means struggling with impatience….never understanding why the wait for what i feel is rightfully mine….and yours….i have said more than once my awakening has been amazing and deeply frustrating at the same time….i often say “ok i’m awake and awakening – NOW WHAT?”  what do i DO with this knowledge?  i haven’t figured out how to take it and GO where i see and feel.

for me being highly sensitive also means a strong disdain for things like conflict and unasked for advice (BIG ONE)………and not being heard.

what does help soothe me?

QUIET.

as mentioned above – time alone.

playing music.

riding my bike – especially in the evening when the wind is blowing and the air is cool.  fast.  up the hills and down the hills.  stopping to take pictures along the way.  (i embarrassed my daughter recently when, while riding one evening and it was quite windy, i began singing “ride like the wind” – christopher cross – loudly – as we rode.)

yoga.

staying up late listening to music – tuning out with ear buds.  (doing that now as i type this)  i know the “advice” is go to bed early blah blah – but for me – for my entire life here – i have loved the evening hours.  all is quiet.  the masses are sleeping.  and i have the energy space all to my own.  as i used to say when i was much younger – that’s the time i most feel the Universe and have it all to myself.  : )

journaling…….writing……..beading………crafts of all types……

walks alone……..

sky gazing………

being highly sensitive means one small word of kindness sent my way – especially unexpectedly – brings out the intense feeling of gratitude.  or an offer of help – without strings.

or knowing i have really been heard.

for me – love – love in action – from myself that i give to myself and receive from others – is my manna.

love,

victoria