it is difficult to determine if i am experiencing these incoming energies (reads below) or if what i am feeling is an accumulation of everything culminating into one big, slow, gentle really meltdown today – that is still ongoing. body is moving very slowly – my ability to think and form a sentence a big challenge. i did not sleep well last night – a very restless night. worry about our neighbor, who has surgery this morning and will undergo another surgery in 2 days. the cause behind his current issue is cancer. then there was a family issue that triggered me – partly due to myself/not having the love and support i need and partly due to it being a potential real disappointment to my child. i will be saying something if it turns into said disappointment.
Love does have a way of offering support during desperate moments too. we had a friend visit today. he popped into my mind shortly after waking up and i thought “wow i could really use one of his hugs today”. minutes later i receive a text from him. when he came over he gave me an amazing hug – long and meaningful. when i commented he said he had actually been studying on HOW to hug – with purpose and meaning. yeah he’s a quick study because i felt a much needed sense of ease.
isn’t it interesting at times how others perceive us as compared to how we perceive ourselves? he told me – as he has before – i have one of the biggest lights he’s seen. he sees it in my eye. i present myself as someone who has it all together. focused. up. i had to laugh as i said that i don’t feeeeeeeeeeeeeel that way within. i may present an image but inside i am screaming. exhausted. unfocused – at least struggling to find focus so scattered is a better term.
program taught me well – how to present myself to the world. we’re all programmed to present a certain image. what’s interesting – for me that is – is i have no real desire to hide my authentic inner self now. i long to share and connect – and i do when the chance/moment presents itself. i feel like a lonely little puppy who has wondered and searched and now needs a safe, secure place to rest until i no longer need such an experience – then i can go off on my own, tail wagging, and share and give and help the way i like and want to. as i said – i feel my reserves are dried up. i need to recharge.
so these energies……….rather a new frequency – for these eyes that is. i just had an image of a colander being shaken – removing all of the unwanted stuff. given that is my current experience it would make sense to me that this is what these frequencies are doing to us. whatever is going on – it can end now. if it’s all a movie – we’re the “actors” in it and can have that choice. there are some movies not worth watching and playing out.
in practical matters, we had a pretty big jump in the electric bill. it became quite cold here – far earlier than the norm – and i had to run the heat at night – so i knew it would be going up. still – when it arrives – the mind isn’t always prepared for what the eyes are seeing. i’m absolutely done with trying to conserve and pinch and scrimp. i do that as much as i know how to – we all do. so unnatural to the inner Self who wants to live and be freely, unrestricted. i am thankful for some return of more normal weather – sunny, dry. we were supposed to do some yard work for our neighbor this week but that obviously has been put off for the indefinite future. i understand the reason why of course – but when you are counting on making money and that chance gets either canceled or put off – and you really needed that money – it brings up – well – a lot. anyone wanting to help – as always – it is appreciated. deeply.
here are today’s kapow’s and oomph’s….
love,
victoria
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