Today’s Reflection ~ One Last Dance

i am grieving today.  we found out our neighbor and adopted grandpa will have to go to hospice.  the cancer is a new kind.  the doctor says 6 months – if he’s lucky.

we – my family – are devastated upon hearing this news.  this is the one constant we have had in our lives for the past 8 years.  within 2 weeks of meeting him, he was grandpa.  he has been family, friend, dad and has helped us out along the way – too many times to count.  he’s very generous – and saw our struggles.  we have celebrated most every holiday with him – always having him over for a meal, desert and as always – really good company.  he and my mate have a special bond.  he would come over regularly with projects he wanted help with.  they did a lot of projects together.  he’s been a friend and surrogate dad to my husband.

to our child – he’s been grandpa – for as long as she has known.  she has always been his little sweetheart. their birthday’s are 2 days (and 80 years) apart so every year we have celebrated their two birthdays.  i am heartbroken she is going to lose that – lose his presence in her tender young life.

to me – he was, like my mate, an adopted dad.  i have always offered him cookies and my homemade food – and he has never turned down my cooking because, as he said, i made everything from scratch with lots of love.  “just like my mom’s,” he would say.  although there was that one time when i made something – from a recipe – and it tasted awful.  i offered it to him and he said sure – he’s try it.  well he brought the bowl back, saying he threw it away and said “it tasted like crap”.  lol  (he is an honest soul)  cracked me up.  no offense, he said – none taken, i said, agreeing it did taste like total crap.

i also played music with him many times over the years.  he has a beautiful voice.  he would sing, play the guitar and i would accompany him both on the piano and the guitar.  last summer, during our cities street fair, i hauled out my piano and he came over and sang while i played.

lastly – there were the times we would dance.  if he happened to come over while i was playing music, and if i began to dance around him, he’d stick out his right hand – take my hand – and he would twirl me around.

what’s beautiful and just tearing me up inside right now is i had a dream of him this morning.  we were in my kitchen (which is where we did most of our dancing).  he was smiling and he held out his right hand – i took it – and he twirled me around and said “one last dance”.

lisa harrison said several weeks ago that things were really going to start getting better now.  that has not been my experience.  this matrix has taken more of my income lately and now it is wanting to take one of the most precious people in our life.  and i am angry and experiencing a sadness and a grief i honestly have never felt before – not at this level.

earlier today – before learning of this news – i had a purging meltdown in the shower.  i felt this deep sense of panic – in the middle of the pain – where i really felt i was out of ideas to improve my life and create what i really want to create for myself.  not only out of ideas but out of energy – and out of money.  i did feel lifted after that release and thought ok – things will get better.  i will be ok.  then a few hours later i hear his voice saying the words no one ever wants to hear coming from someone they love.

i just hope our transition is before he leaves.

i just hope if it isn’t, he goes Home and will be waiting to greet us upon our arrival.

and…..

i just hope i can arrange one last dance.

love,

victoria

Author: Victoria1111

Truthseeker. Philosopher. Commander of Freedom. Writer. Musician. Composer. Above all I Am A Creator. View all posts by Victoria1111