As a child I never understood why today was known as “black friday” here in the states. I would visualize a black dot in my mind and wonder if people went to the stores in search of the dot. I participated in this insane tradition once and vowed “never again.”
I have stuck with that promise.
We know people who almost live for this day as do millions of others do as well.
Why?
Seriously, why? What is so joyful about fighting traffic and crowds just to save a few dollars on something that is most likely not needed?
I would rather make some jewelry or scrubs as gifts and listen to classical music, alone.
But I did neither today. Today wasn’t about spending. It was about making money. We did some work for our neighbor. Raking leaves. Normally I can handle such work, but today was difficult. My body felt heavy and I was absolutely exhausted. To make the situation more challenging, the leaves and grass were very wet. At first I laughed and thought “I wonder if people call in sick these days claiming they are having an Ascension day.”
One part of me was grateful for the work. Gotta keep the money flowing while we still reside in this pay-to-live realm. And another part of me was angry that I have to resort, at times, to physical work to make money. And besides that, I’m too fucking brilliant, I told myself, to be doing work like this to sustain myself and my family.
We ALL are. How many of us have done the grunt work? The cleaning. The playing the “assistant” role. The waitressing. Flipping the burgers. The childcare worker. Meanwhile many of us have awesome gifts, often of the artistic nature, that the system has said “only have room for a few to make it and if you want in, you gotta sell your soul or at least learn to be really quiet about what you see”. And goddess knows many of us have brilliant ideas that would put the system out of business. We know how to create Paradise. No reason we cannot be getting paid and paid well for doing just that, right?
Of course.
About halfway into the project, as I continued to rake, I heard the voices of my mother telling me “you should be doing this for free. After all, look at how much he has done for you!” I argued back. “Do you have any idea how many meals I cook for him? For free? The favors we already do for him?” The conversation went on for a few more minutes in my brain until my Warrior spoke up and said ENOUGH ~ reached up and into my mind, took the image of the voice of my mother, and strangled it until it was nothing more than a deflated balloon, which was then shot into the ether.
I returned to my work, more relaxed and empowered.
Later on I thought about my family and why I continue to feel the way I do ~ like I am not “good enough”. I then thought of my own little girl and wondered if I would ever look at her and think “you’re not good enough”. Absolutely not! What if she turned out like me? Different. Struggled to make money. Struggled with anxiety issues. Would I judge her? Pressure her? Or would I love her even more and do whatever I could to listen to her, really hear her, support her and help her ~ as long as was necessary, as much as I could?
Yeah. #2.
I read a quote today by Keanu Reeves. “The truth is you aren’t depressed. You struggle to live with the reality we live in.” Psychologists and therapists (which over the years I broke down into psycho-ologists and the-rapists) do nothing beneficial to help. My brother-in-law’s girlfriend had an emotional breakdown earlier this year and was hospitalized. The reason for her breakdown? Chronic financial stress. Was she loved? Supported? Was she given the money she needs to alleviate the stress? Of course not. First of all the two weeks “off” made for a more stressful financial situation. She was pumped full of pharmaceutical crap that is messing with her beautiful mind. Oh and they can’t yet get the right formula to make her “normal”. Or silent, as I like to say. Years ago, as I sat in front of one of these psycho-ologists, I spoke of how messed up the systems of this realm are. I could tell I was frustrating her. Finally she said “Yes. Ok. I get it. I agree with you. It really is all fucked up.” (And yes, she used the “f” word which also surprised me.) Wow. I had one of these folks agreeing with me. So I then said “so then it is your job to help me be ok with who I am so that I can go back out there into that insanity and be ok. Am I correct?”
She hesitated and thought for a few moments before replying “Yes, that is correct.” To which I leaned forward and said “That’s not going to happen.” (meaning myself being ok with how it all is out there)
If the shoe fits, it fits. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. You learn to live with the discomfort by walking your passion(s), often receiving criticism or apathy, but self-love and the deep abiding belief that you KNOW you share visions of Paradise enable you to share your ideas passionately, no matter how many or how little support you so that “out there” does begin to conform with what’s IN HERE.
And for me, it cannot happen soon enough.
And I know today I am not alone in that sentiment. [wp-svg-icons icon=”heart” wrap=”i”]
Victoria
