So here I sit in the living room another night of restless sleep. I took a huge dropper of CBD did nothing.
I feel and continue to feel lost and alone. I have intended and requested and stated what I need for so many months and have yet to have my needs met. Instead what I have been receiving is unwanted and unneeded advice. I have issues I have a dysregulated nervous system that I am continually working on healing with the help of the counselor I see.
It is painful to experience not being seen for who you are and where you are. Humanity seems to have lost the ability to see others where they are rather people seem to see others from their own vantage point instead of Through The Eyes of the other person. And I think this is the number one reason why so many people are drowning now. People don’t just fall through the cracks quickly or quietly. I’m a very vocal person and in spite of my challenges I am still capable of determining what it is that I need as well as stating those needs. I need a miracle I need support system I need friends to check in on me to see how I’m doing without waiting for me to do the checking in giving my schedule and how distracted mentally I’ve become. When I say I’m not doing well I mean I am not doing well. I have so many gifts to offer and the world just doesn’t seem to want them aside from a handful of people.
I’m worried for myself and I am worried for my girl. Why don’t people understand that I can’t do this on my own? Why is it I see others who are in similar situations at least financially and they share their needs online and they get their needs met? Are some people just more valuable and more important? It makes me wonder more where the hell I really am. I’ve always been willing to help other people from where they’re at I have always been willing and have asked people what do you need what can I do for you and it pains the f*** out of me to see to know that I simply have not had that experience come back to me in the way that I know I need and deserve.
I know I can’t keep putting my heart out there and receive silence. I could have been helped in the way that I needed if people would have just come together. Nobody makes it here on their own I don’t care who you are. When somebody when a person is drowning that is when they need the most support. I feel like I am in a fighting battle with something that I have no desire to battle with something that is pushing me to become one of the homeless. Or certainly to stay trapped where I don’t belong or where I don’t want to be. I will admit I’m scared out of my f****** mind right now. Financial stress is causing me too much mental anguish. And the pain in my heart that I feel after how diligently I have been putting myself out there in new ways with new work along with this work for the past year and a half and I have gotten absolutely nowhere. When I say I need help I don’t know I just I feel so alone and lost and I don’t know what to do different. And I am this way because I have had to go this alone and I keep saying I can’t do it alone and that is not me being negative in myself talk it’s because I know the reality of what it takes especially in today’s world. I see others in my situation who are able improve their lives and that only happens because other people have stepped in and help them.
I am not discounting any of you who suppirt what I do here. I see others reach out on social media and have a swarm of people gather. Or some will say hey we need to help this person and a tribe is born. That would be a nice experience. Maybe put an end to what my girl has been saying lately which is for me to just stop…stop trying. people are not going to rally around you mom.
Mama disagrees.
And on that note I will end this piece.
