today….i am feeling very quiet. vulnerable. very vulnerable. my heart is both quiet, heavy and opening. a lot of tears are flowing and are showing no signs of stopping. feeling the harm of innocence HUGELY today. i had such horrible dreams last night of the sickness – their manipulation tactics and their absolute lack of remorse. that is what i cannot inner or understand. there is evil for certain.
i cry for lost childhoods. i cry for every moment a child’s light is questioned and blown out – bit by bit – until the being succumbed to apathy and the feeling of just never being good enough – the thought that “this cannot really be the reality here”. had that experience far too often.
for now i am feeling another round of “no movement”….a giant pause button pressed down in order to remove the filth from the road. that’s the best description i have to offer. i don’t like it and frankly i’m tired of the over “plan” being played out having more power over my experience where all i can do is “wait it out”. who consents to that? not me. but it is what it is. at some point along this roadway i will once again have full power – full freedom in my moment to moment experience. for now the pause remains and i do the best i can to stay in my heart.
love,
victoria
Thank you so much for sharing. I have been feeling much the same way. Tired of watching what seems like an eternity of grief and victimization at all levels when I’m ready to get on with living the life I want to live. One of truth, real truth, love, forgiveness, strength, beauty, confidence, compassion …..things that seem to be in short supply at the moment! Knowing I’m not alone and probably not crazy makes me feel better while also waiting it out! Very glad I found your site and will continue to trust God, Myself and the Plan. Peace 🙂
thank you kelly ann. 🙂
So much feeling some of your insights.Off the scale depression. Spent age 20 – 35 on anti
depressants. 3 years clean living at home. Now 7 years on sleeping pills since the seroxats
and effexors mangled my sleep pattern. 6×7.5mg a night, a body can’t take it. Where I live
is normal happy family neighborhood, not the apocalyptic human tragedy you describe .
They want me to go to a hospital. I don’t trust the medical profession since I took the first
antidepressant. it was a red pill. If I go I’ll end up back on SSRI’s. I live mostly in a bedroom
in an old 6 bedroom house. My father’s. He passed from cancer 4 years ago and my mother
and I nursed him till the end. I wont forget it ever. I don’t have a drivers licence, don’t get
a social security payment because of this address, haven’t ever had a real job since the
family business closed in ninety nine, whereupon on leaving a New Years party a had the
living daylights beaten out of me by random passers by. external pain didn’t bother me at all, I’ve always had that belief that the body heals. The internal stuff that I can’t see, Ibs,
no rem, fatigue, loss of memory…all that is torment. This confession is not to add misery
to your life or to trigger a soothing response, just to remind you that when your feeling
overawed, there’s conscious people out there who don’t have a mate who didn’t fight
back enough and put their heart out there. I only did it verbally face to face and in prayer
and honest non small talk to people who I come into contact with. Godbless, peace, and
good luck to you, from a 45 year old child.
lol – i am laughing because of how you ended your statement. tonight my mate walks out the door and i said “i will never grow up. i am a 53 year old child.” thank you for sharing – this is the kind of conversations i like to have. no more suffering for anyone. this has been quite enough.
lol , I appreciate your notes. Peace.