After noon lament……………as one of ya’s said – April has been hell……..All. By. Design.

 

SCOTUS is approving $6 BILLION in student loan forgiveness.  Not that I’m against that per say.  The cost of (often wasted) higher education is criminal.

I just want to know when I’m getting my f’ing long deserved $$ liberation.  My city utility bill jumped – AGAIN.  Just because they can.  Another $20-$23.  Squeezing the poor even more.

Feels just like another day of cr@p here.

Doesn’t matter what I do different or tell myself – how I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel inside never. changes.  I am able to manifest a small movement forward – then run into a wall.  I am so angry that this experience has created itself the way it is –  played out the way it is – all for others that don’t include myself or all of us awakened.  I am screaming inside – and out – for help – for relief – and none comes my way in the way I really need.  I can’t help my spouse – he fell again and broke the table in the garage.  My girl is so done with how this reality is – she wants her old life back or a new one.  I can’t give her either.  One, I don’t have a time machine (HA!) and two – I DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY TO GIVE HER WHAT SHE MOST WANTS.  (much less a strong healthy mama she also needs)

And that brings out a rage in me now – this huge growing rage – INJUSTICE – GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRR GAWD SCREAMING rage – over how I KNOW it is here and how I hear or read every. damn. stinking. f’ing. day. to be patient and wait and allow the old to crumble meanwhile I am suffering in a way that NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO – watching his health collapse – watching my girls anxiety soar – completely powerless now – but I just have to allow it all to happen – all of the suffering – the breaking down and collapsing – so one day – some day – some year – this will all finally switch and I will be singing kumbaFUCKINGya with all of those for whom we are said to be doing this stupid god damn slow as sheot molasses fucking movie for.

????

NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN.

Every tear I have cried over and for my child…………….every word I have screamed………every prayer I have sent out….EVERY FUCKING NIGHT NOW….every f’ing time i have had to witness my spouse fall or wake up at night moaning in pain or grunting as he wall walks down the hall to the bathroom every hour…. waking me up (WHAT IS SLEEP NOW??  a luxury??) or grumping over the lack of real care he has received and how his needs are not being met (because they’re not) while I sit here POWERLESS TO DO ANYTHING ANYMORE FOR EITHER OF THEM much less myself………….every word I have put out into the world on social media to create the change I AM – we are – LONG PAST NEEDING……………..feels like a giant. waste. of. my time now.

HUGE waste.

HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE waste.

I feel I am fading away into nothingness.

I can handle change.

I can handle one situation ending so another comes in.

What I am struggling more than ever. before. to handle – certainly well (that is not happening these days) – is WHERE IS THIS DAMN CHANGE?!

I have had f’ing ENOUGH WINDOWS and DOORS close.

E N U F F.

I’ve had peeks of doors or windows crack only to slam back shut.

I can’t do this life anymore – on my own – the way I once did.  My spouse certainly can’t.  Fuch.  He needs a doctor who stays on top of the treatment plan (this new doc is brilliant but his communication stinks and he cannot provide the kind of care my spouse needs and he should have SEEN this from the start – and besides that he’s leaving the state next month).

For me it’s more of a mental challenge to keep at it – although I question my physical ability as I have noticed when I go out and am amongst the radiating ones, if I expose myself just a certain amount, I seem to shrink a bit and it takes me a good week to get back my full strength.  And the other night I had to take a trip inside where I was around – oh gawd – ya’ll know – this time the person had that same f’ing chemically/perfumy smell they emit.  I checked this out by going down the other aisles.  Nope.  Just this aisle where this one blue mask wearing stupid f’ing fake human store clerk was working (of food – no cleaning products – I know their smell by now).

How any one is able to be in these situations – how any of the sensitives and awakened ones can do this – and not have ANY effects?  Well all I can say to that is you are either having effects you’re not yet seeing or noticing or simply ignoring.

OR you have a special protection some of us don’t seem to have.

Typical matrix set up.  “Well I ain’t having an issue.  What’s your problem?”

DIVISION tactic.

Gawd this place is so twisted.

By design.

Deep breath…………..

I look around my living room.  Ripped up bills scattered all around.  All paid.

And me – broke.

AGAIN.

All by design.

And why?

Because that big dude in the sky the humans all call god loooooooooooooooooooooves you.  (thank you to George Carlin for his truth telling brilliance)

Eye roll to infinity and beyond coupled with a huge shout out to Heaven/Home/Jesus/Universe to BRING US SOME FUCHING MIRACLES ALREADY THE ONES I HAVE BEEN CALLING IN DAILY AND GIVING THANKS FOR AND DOING IT THE WAY I AM SUPPOSED TO BY FEEEEEEEEEEEEEELING THE EXPERIENCE AS ALREADY HAPPENED AND SAYING YES YES TO IT………….

My anger now – not really directed at evil anymore.  Evil is as evil does.  Never gonna change.  Don’t expect it to.  My anger is now at God.  Jesus.  Anything defined as “good” and “benevolent” and Divine in all Eternity and in all the Cosmos and throughout the Universe.  THAT is where my anger is directed now.  The pain.  The abandonment.  The HUGE sense of abandonment that I see now – is Truth.  Not just some false illusion, but this deep painful sense I’ve carried since childhood.

I feel so abandoned and unseen – like a used tissue – not even placed in a garbage bin – but left in a mudpuddle on a cold winter’s afternoon.

Until I see and experience otherwise – that is how I view this reality and the experience in it.

What is real here?

And who and what actually hears us?

How locked inside this twisted place are we?

UGH.

All. by. design.

Love,

V.

******