My laptop is giving me grief using Zoom – has been for weeks – and I have yet to figure out why. Zoom is how I do my EMDR sessions (counselor’s choice – not mine – i’m personally not a fan of Zoom). The past 3 weeks she has just had to rely on my promise that my eyes are indeed following her wand. Today she said she needs to see my eyes – can’t through my laptop (there’s like a 1-2 minute lag with Zoom). So, I said we could use my phone – she said ok but I wouldn’t get the benefit as I would on a big screen (eyes don’t move as far to each side) and said in order to continue to work with her at this level, I would need to get another device with a bigger screen.
Like I can f’ing afford that. 🙄😠
I cringed – and had to just let loose.
“I am already on two payment plans because I didn’t have the funds to pay for essentials. I have maxed out 3 credit cards and had to put the electric bill on the most recent one as it was over $300. I’m pushing myself every f’ing day for months trying to promote myself and all that I create. But sure. I’ll just get on another payment plan because you will not agree to try another platform.” (btw – i have not been able to find anyone like her who does what she does in my area who takes my insurance and who does not have a wait list)
Then she does what all counselors do – gives me the look of sympathy.
Which today, I did. not. want. nor. need.
I wanted help.
Not words.
Not gentle looks.
HELP.
T A N G I B L E help.
I had a convo with my mom later in the day who I don’t know if it’s a generational thing or not but jesus – getting some sort of “oh honey I’m sorry what can I DO FOR YOU” – I got “I thought things were supposed to start coming down”.
Yeah, they’re NOT and your DAUGHTER is trying to reach out to you for some f’ing HELP and I wouldn’t even dare DREAM of sharing all of this if I wasn’t TRULY. IN. NEED. Or you know what? Screw your daughter – show some help towards your granddaughter. Yeah, she could use some things and I sure as hell could use some extra help paying for all of the food she is eating.
Family.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Hurts my heart so much. Jesus……………I cannot E V E R for one second imagine my own girl going through a particularly challenging time – me being in a position of $$ comfort – and not offering to help her. Frig – even if I was living in a van down by the river I’d STILL ASK HER WHAT I COULD DO FOR HER.
Do not get why so many lack this basic human trait.
These days my girl will pat me on the back now and then and say “mom let go of the expectations. people suck.” lol Not really lol – but if you knew her you would laugh. And sometimes that’s the best way to handle life is to follow that mantra of hers.
I’ve been keeping most of what I’m really dealing with and how I’m feeling inside – but it’s all coming out like a volcano now. And my body is screaming at me like seriously screaming at me so I’m having to just love myself and say “ok if it comes to the point where i truly have to pick between eating and having electricity i will pick eating.” I obviously do not want it to come to that – don’t feel it will – but I have no idea when this damn matrix becomes affordable again – and I will fight like hell to stay housed and fed. I know many of my subscribers are in similar situations – many have lost work and can’t find work. But I also know this cannot continue for me the way it is. I have a child to take care of – she doesn’t need to have a mom go through a mental breakdown.
Whoever said money doesn’t buy happiness can seriously shove that sheot phrase. IT sure as hell makes it a lot easier to FEEL that state – especially in an ongoing manner.
Hope ya’ll enjoyed the time travel/looking glass share earlier today. I sure pray with all that I am that there truly is something to all of that.
💖
Victoria
