Editor’s note: I think we can all relate to this one…
March 6, 2018 Amy Jones
If I let someone get to know the real me, what would they think?
I learned to hide the real me.
I believed no one would like the real me.
I felt unlovable because the real me did not deserve to be loved.
I began experiencing fear, shame, self-judgment and trust issues through the belief pattern that I could never be the real me.
I allowed these problems to be a controlling factor in the way I lived my life because what I cared about most of all were my family’s acceptance and approval. I continually sought their advice and opinion while sacrificing my own feelings, thoughts, experiences and choices in pursuit of illusive unconditional love. I wore the mask of someone who I thought would make them happy. I hid behind shyness trying to figure out who I needed to be to please them. Over time, I learned to be someone else.
After many years of therapy, I recognized this was a pattern in my family. This deep-rooted need for approval, acceptance and love from a parent, a spouse, a friend or an authority figure. I watched it destroy self-respect, taint relationships, and cause self-sabotage. There were countless examples of the belief that everyone you love will eventually leave you or disappoint you so “better to treat people poorly now to force them to leave sooner rather than later”.
And yet, the devil we know is much more powerful than the devil we don’t know. So, year after year, I continued this pattern of needing approval and acceptance from everyone around me. I allowed myself to be treated poorly, looked the other way and made excuses so that I could receive the love I always wanted. I deferred to the needs of others for so long that I forgot I had needs of my own.
The longer I wore this mask, the more faded I became.
I lost who I was.
I believed my opinions didn’t matter.
I sacrificed my needs for the needs of others.
I judged myself.
I lived in fear, self-loathing and pain.
Many of us are broken. Experiences change our perspective and transform us: birth, death, divorce, disease, suicide, marriage, weight loss, weight gain, change in financial status, disappointment and fear as well as a host of other situations and circumstances.
These heart shattering situations are so impactful, they can affect us for the rest of our lives; leaving a deep and sometimes lasting scar.
In the aftermath of heartbreak, I am on a journey to heal my heart. Follow me as I create my NEW LOVE story on Facebook & Instagram.
©Amy Jones, 2017 – All Rights Reserved
Do Not Reproduce Without Express Written Consent
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