5:30am.
It’s 5:30am as i sit down and write out this rare (these days) lamenting piece. Rare because I have been so focused on the positive – focused on what I want instead of what I fear.
Today? Worry wins atm. For ignore those fear thoughts and they will pop up and take over. Apparently they need someplace to go – so this morning they are going here where I can toss them into the ether and let God or whatever good is out there take. it. all.
Worry.
I’ve been up for over an hour, mind filled with worrisome thoughts that were chipping away my sanity, so I decided to get up and dump them all out here. I resisted doing this, my mind saying “watch your thoughts watch your energy don’t put out what you don’t want to come back even more”. However my FUCH IT ALL took precedent so here I sit.
Mind full of worry.
Thirsty. First I was thirsty so I open the refrig and grab what I assumed was a jar of juice only to find it was a mostly empty jar with a few drops – literally – of grape juice.
Teenagers, I think.
She’s growing – still growing – appetite up – eating all. the. time.
Which she’s supposed to do.
And yet my current level of finances, which are sheot – let’s be honest – they are sheot – and in spite of the MULTIPLE MANY MANY places in which I have put out my resume without anything in response aside from some now obvious spammer who told me in my private inbox on linkedin the company he works for (of which there was no name given) was looking for a digital content writer and received my resume and would I be interested in writing some articleS (PLURAL) for FREE then I would be allowed to go up the next level in the recruitment process to which I checked out his LINKEDin profile and see he shows Z E R O current employers so after that first little initial “OOOOH someone is interested in me!” moment which was quickly shot to hell because hey – scammers, right? They seem to be everywhere even though I tell myself different.
Ah, the differing thoughts. The “think different have different”. Something I have been doing for months – all god damn year actually. Don’t believe me? I can show you my journals. I can show you my digital voice recorder which sets beside my bed, ear bud pads getting worn due to using them 2-3x/day listening to my spoken scripts of intending what I want.
Things will be different. This movie will end. Keep at it.
This morning at 4am lying awake – wide awake – in bed? Thinking that?
FUCH IT ALL.
So here I sit.
Flashlight in hand earlier, going over my grocery list. Ok bread – I have flour. I can just make bread so I don’t have to buy this weeks loaf. Which makes me want to cry for that takes TIME and I’ve been so extra tired lately the thought of making bread like I’m donna f’ing reed makes me want to scream. More grape juice for the kiddo? Well I have some grapes – I can squish those up and put them in water. At least water’s free, I think, but then realize no it isn’t.
Well at least my water bill came down $20 for October. How and why I was not able to figure out as their calculation methods, which used to be quite simple, are complex and a mile long- but I’ll take it. Which is a good thing as my electric bill went up $16.
I could put some items on my credit card – last I checked I had $20 on that.
Intend something different, I tell myself. Moments. Moments of inner quiet – when I am in the moment – I can still do that.
But then I think about my child – what she needs – what she wants – and how very little of that I am able to do – and how angry that makes me. When will mom’s matter so we can take care of our children in the way we want and they deserve? W H E N? She wants to live in a small town so she can go to a good small public school. Local one – well most of you know about that. WOKE nightmare – drug use. Urban decay. I get that. But that requires money – moving – which she gets – and lots of it – of which mama doesn’t have. Those closest to me with whom we comm offline know my situation. Ahem…..(those who don’t – message me and I’ll fill you in.)
My girl doesn’t even have a college savings account – well she does – I have just had to dip in it over the past year to f’ing EAT.
Where is the family?
She has wanted horse lessons. Ballet lessons (did those in the past when it was doable). Today? Can’t and nope. $$$$ Eating is the priority these days. Although she is taking singing and has a piano and guitar. She’s also learning other languages. She’s amazing – and I hope some of that at least is due to my influence and love.
Watching Gilmore Girls where the single mom works while she is able to send her daughter to a top notch private school because her very wealthy parents are paying for it. In fact she has a tribe around her, always willing to help – even though she refuses the help at times because her character is so frustratingly stubborn at times – while my heart calls out for that kind of a tribe – and would melt in tears in feeeeeeeeeeeling and knowing there is a local group of people who care so much about me and my girl – which is something I’ve tried diligently to build only to be met with extreme and at times shocking disappointment (what the hell kind of a person leaves your life because of who you voted for or because you wouldn’t put a mask on your childs mouth and what the hell kind of a person says “i will help you if you do x y z” first – jesus my people picker has really sucked – which I have seen clearly this past year – which is why atm I pretty much have a very very small circle atm and people now only get in after an extensive interview process of which both my daughter and I give). Anyway……….so……….We have a grandparent in the family who comes from money – a lot of money in that family – who do nada for my child. So out the door they go……….
Babysitting – something she was doing last year – but it all fell flat as not one parent around here goes out on dates. Who can afford to eat out these days, especially if you have little mouths to feed.
Well, the people next door apparently – house full of people – where I see one of them suddenly has acquired a $3500 electric bike – so apparently they can afford nice extra’s including food delivery which I swear to you, they have occur several times every. single. day. Then there are the people up the street who have two new vehicles – electric too. And the Tesla’s. Have I mentioned the ungodly number of people around here who have Tesla’s? As in the expensive models (my girl is the expert on car prices these days). How nice for all of them, says my angry typing fingers sarcastically.
And yet in spite of all of the unreal amounts of wealth all around me – just floating all around me while I have intended it flow my way too – here I sit at what is now 6:39AM – wide awake – when I really need to be sleeping because I have a full day ahead of mom duties and all I hear in my mind are the voices of absent family members telling me what I should be doing and how I am failing my child while failing to listen to a damn thing about my needs (see mom’s needs aren’t important – only the child’s – ironic when that was not what I experienced growing up which was you have food to eat and a bed in which to sleep – that’s enough) – and some of those nagging voices are also my own heart – although my heart also knows I literally am doing the very best I can – pushing myself to depletion levels – and have been knocking myself all but out all year trying and attempting and being told “I will help” only that help is not forthcoming and oh do I have a bucket full of FUCH U’s of my own personally assigned karma for people who have pulled that sheot on me – especially knowing I am a MOM first and foremost trying to improve ME and my life experience so I CAN be the best I can be for her – but when you are doing that essentially alone and those who could help don’t but instead like to toss out unwanted advice instead while utterly completely in full violating the boundaries you put out for yourself………….and where is the cake when you need it because this is all becoming far too much at this moment in time……….
I just want to run away.
But I wouldn’t get very far – car has 1/4 tank of gas – and I am supposed to be doing my driving practice which I do most nights when I can fit that into my schedule – but fuch it – that’s another expense, right? Not really a need – although for me it is because the practice – the routine of it – helps rewire my brain and well that’s a subject for another time. Trauma and all – shows up in interesting ways.
So I guess I am left doing what this little dog is doing below – doing the best I can – my daughter being my best cheerleader (and a few of you in which I am so grateful for – and as I say – I see the numbers here and am so disheartened anyone can come to this site knowing what they know about me personally and offer me nothing) – me focused (mostly) forward – determined to cross that f’ing finish line. For I WILL cross it.
And collapse. For awhile. For now? It’s back to bed I go for a time.
V.
