Category: Daily Notes

I was outside for awhile today, cleaning up fallen sticks, limbs, pine cones and small tree branches from the last two days of storms.  Nothing unusual but these packed a wallop.  Thought we were going to lose power a few times.  60 mph gusts don’t mess around.  Still dealing with this lingering virus – seems most everyone around here had it or has it and all say the same thing:  it lingers.  So I’m out front cleaning up wishing I had the $$ like the elite to hire someone to do this so I could be inside resting. 🥱  Instead, matrix 3d duties call – laundry, spending money I don’t have to get another round of food for the week and cleaning up.  The temporary fix for the car only held so long and now we have water in the back floorboard. 😠   At least we have a wet dry vac but I’m far too tired to deal with that today just as I am far too exhausted to seal those strips in w/the sealant I bought.

On top of this I didn’t sleep last night – yet again.  Mental b.s. that I could not turn off or switch no matter what I did so I just lay there and let myself be – shaking.

Prayers to be answered at some point, right?  That includes some protection.  Jesus, what and/or who IS here to help us with this?

For now it’s doing what I can – speaking my mind – asking for what I need and dismissing and removing all other “speak” that doesn’t respect what it is I say I need.  I started reading Melania’s book – so far pretty damn disappointed.  Totally PC.  Just another person who had an amazing supportive family and was able to make it big in the world OF those who have.  I’m not even convinced she wrote it.  Energy is not something I would expect of the REAL M.  She states her priorities are children and women.  I’m not seeing that show up.  I’ve written her – several times – sharing my ideas, my story, even asking for some support.  I realize she’s busy of course – but I’m the type to go “straight to the top”.  And I am simply not seeing women and children being prioritized.  At. All.

In this simulated clown world of bullshit where we’re told to trust the plan and moves and countermoves and after all of these years NONE OF THAT has actually produced something TRULY positive and HELPFUL for all in NEED (you know – the whole “this is MY life MY experience I get to dictate and create WHAT I NEED”) – at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s all a joke – psyop indeed but not for us but rather ON us.  Those who have family support systems in place – you are blessed.  Some of us are on our own.

And it f’ing SUCKS.  So my face is grumpy these days even though my spirit is alive and fighting, still trying to get SOMETHING positive moving for me.  Just worn out from doing it alone.  I still need an advocate helping me and speaking out on my behalf getting me the help and resources I need.  My healer sucks at this – you’d think someone in that field would KNOW people who could help me.  I know this:  I am burned the f’ing hell out being told “I don’t know” or “I can’t help you”.

Gotta go – laundry calls.

💖😩

V.

I guess the days of the lonely weary starseed words aren’t sticking with others as they once did.  Funny how you can write something that resonates with hundreds – thousands of others – then you find yourself 8 years later wondering where you belong.

So many people have dropped away from my life with just a few new friends appearing.  The numbers are far more on the side of “sayonara”.  Lots of fakes, many want you to keep in your corner behaving.

I’m trying to figure out where I belong now.  Where.  With whom.  And doing what.  I honestly haven’t a C L U E – and that is so uncomfortable for me.  I pray and let it go and allow answers to flow – only with this one in particular – I am getting nothing but empty space.

I toss out ideas – nothing is sticking – which leaves me feeling truly lost – at a level I’ve never felt before.  It’s as though there’s nothing left for me TO do.  And I absolutely do not accept that for I KNOW I am here to bring in NEW – and that NEW – what is it?  Certainly, none of this ongoing bread and circus b.s. we keep seeing.  New ways of doing everything.  Not just a recycled cleaned up version for that process we see happening still leaves me on the sidelines wondering where the fuch I am and what the fuch I’m doing here.

It’s like MAGA doesn’t resonate – the energy is too rough for me – too individualistic – too capitalistic – far too competitive.  I visited that terrain – just doesn’t align.

The whole 5D doesn’t jive – too much pressure on being this perfect being of purity in order to earn the right to ascend (i.e. get out of hell/matrix).  Gotta go through hell before you “get out”.  Gotta purge all of this crap for humanity.  Pardon me while I kumbaya myself into an enlightened state in a dimensional space surrounded by demons disguised as pretty angels giving me those rules of “you have to” and “you need to” in order TO.  FUCH THAT!  I visited that terrain too – I tried to get myself to align with that narrative – but alas, it didn’t align because I knew it was more matrix b.s. (and I learned not to visit those invisible spaces – I prefer to SEE my path and know who is on it instead of trusting in some entity I don’t know and can’t even see except for in my mind).

Then there is the term given to those like me – the Anon – which seems to align the best – those who don’t align with this movie, those who don’t align with MAGA (globally not just stateside), those who don’t feel like they fit in anywhere, those with the sensitive heart and Soul, those for whom pay to live is an absolute punishment to our Souls, those for whom hold rules and laws in disdain because we are not the type to do stupid ass things like others who apparently NEED a rule or law telling them “uh ok you don’t do that”.  Go over here little human.

That is not who I am.

We are often not only invisible online but even when we are ourselves with an online face, we still feel anonymous out in the world as we wander around, trying to figure out where we fit.  Where we belong.

And at this point in all of this “whatever it is” we are actually witnessing and experiencing, we wonder and command now WHEN our experience becomes about WHO WE ARE.  When the experience OUTSIDE matches the frequency we all hold WITHIN.  At least in SOME tangible way.  For example, cost of living around me should have ceased to be a problem given all of the energy work woo woo I’ve been doing around just that issue alone for the past 14 months.

Right?

That’s a question that only an “anon” will get.

Just wish we would organize instead of sitting on the sidelines watching things play out.  I am not one to sit.  I never. have. been.  If I’m sitting, that means I feel defeated and depressed – or agitated.  Which is a feeling I am fighting these days.  Letting myself BE is all I’ve got.

Wherever it is that I come from, at least the experience that I carry most present in my body is that we help one another.  We create not just in a bubble but together.  While there are times of retreat, we create best when working together, supporting and checking in and lifting up and hand holding and carrying at times if necessary.

And certainly those experiences are more prevalent when you don’t know where the hell you belong, where most everything feels so fake, a bad movie that you want to just wake up one day and find it is over.  It is finally. OVER.

So, no happy, clever wrap up for this one.  Nothing cutsie in which to conclude it.  Just going to leave it as is – without an ending.  Much like how I feel inside now.

💖

Victoria

Still in recovery/heal from this thing.  I looked at myself in the mirror today – and grimaced.  I look like a drug addict – my eyes look hallow and vacant – dark circles.  My girl was looking the same too but thankfully is looking more normal.  I’m underweight.  At least I am eating again, although not to my normal levels.  I don’t like to publicly say “hey I’m sick” because I don’t want that energy – and while I continue to say “I am healed” etc. – I’m needing support!  I was already sleep deprived – this thing has taken that to a new level where it’s making me feel drunk and incredibly irritable/emotional.

Anyway, I’ve had to have food and supplies delivered as I am still too weak to go in person shopping and that is taking a hit that I can’t afford.  But I have no choice.  Anyone who wants to help can either go to the green stripe button and contribute or you can send through cash app.  My handle is:  $VictoriaT1144

Thank you for any and all help.  Prayers for our recovery are also appreciated.

Love,

Victoria