Category: Daily Notes

 

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I woke up this morning with deep heaviness in my heart.  I had experienced a dream of a childhood sweetheart who I am friends with today.  I had thought about him before I went to bed and felt a bitter-sweetness to the thought.  He’s battling cancer and in the dream, he turned into a little boy and I was trying to help him put on his shoes.  He was so sweet, little, innocent.  I was able to get his shoes on before I woke up.  I checked my facebook page later on and see his entry – he’s still battling and had a small setback today.

As I pulled myself out of bed, I noticed an unpleasant smell in the living room – that of a neighbor – who has deep deep unresolved issues, one of which includes bathing being a rarity.  They had come over yesterday – unannounced – and stayed for just a moment.  I can’t be around the energy right now.  In fact, the energies of everyone are overwhelming me at the moment.  Any type of conflict or visual images of pain/suffering put me into a tailspin.  So back to the smell – I immediately cleansed/cleared and lit my resin.  Will have to be more assertive in what I allow into my personal space.  Can’t really be around friends much either – noticed that again last night.  I immediately now sense if there’s a disconnect.  JUST CANNOT DO IT!  If I force myself to be in such spaces, my body revolts.

My mate had a friend over and when he arrived, I was quiet.  Unusually quiet.  He later asked my mate if I was angry with him.  Goodness, no. Just feeling a lot of old pain today and am rather reflective/introspective.

The tears started about an hour ago and have continued.  Tears over lost connections with family.  With friends.  Pains from the past.  Those things I wish I had done and those things I wish I hadn’t done.

Allowing myself to be a verbal and emotional punching bag far too many times.

Allowing myself to keep my heart to myself out of fear, shame, embarrassment.

Not teaching myself boundaries earlier.

Wishing I had been stronger in my younger years.  More assertive.  Wiser.

Wisdom with courage.  A necessary combination if one is to make it in the world the way it has been.  That and a lot of support.

Just when I think “I have released this one” up it comes again.  Another layer.  For release.  With love, comfort and absolute acceptance.

Will I get this healing stuff right?

Is there something else I could be doing?

I have no answers today to any of that so for now, I’m just Being with who I am in this seemingly never-ending but always changing story.

 

 

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I’ve written about this subject before but I gained a little bit more perspective tonight and thought I would share.

Recently I was listening to a channeled message, speaking of the healing, the incoming energies and the like.  The message turned to the concept of Service To Self/Service To Others.  It was a message of duality again. Either you are STS or STO.  You now must pick.  Just like we must pick Love or Fear.  This or that.  Take your pick.

All of it ~ duality.  I believe it is more about just BEING from a space of non-attachment, non-judgment.  Observing.  You just rather ARE. Moment to moment. Experience to experience.  Not that we are some aloof, head-in-the-clouds individual who has lost the ability to think for ourselves.  We remain aware of Who We Are.  I see it as a nice mix of being grounded and just being while doing.  I remember the first time I saw myself on New Earth.  It was over 10 years ago.  I recall specifically how I felt. Somewhere within, my Higher Self had me take in that specific feeling.  Had me focus on it.  Let it gel and flow so I would remember it. At the time I had no concept of where I was or what had happened much less why I was suddenly in this space of absolute presence and being ~ all while doing.  Obviously, I never forgot the experience and it has guided me along the way, especially during the times I have gotten “lost” again.

Tonight while thinking about the channeled message I had listened to, I had a body memory.  We were once Service to Others individuals, which is what made it easier for us to be conquered, manipulated, altered and thus controlled.  We didn’t really have the concept of Self – rather all was One. That made it easy for us to be manipulated, tricked.  “We” wouldn’t do that to ourselves, so why would another.

I don’t know.  I may be blowing a bunch of b.s. here in terms of sharing this memory/impression.  It’s just what came to me. And I have learned to listen when things like this come to me via my body, especially from the core.

Service to Self.  Service to Others.  How about we be/do both?  I remain aware that while we are one, we are not the same.  I see Source in me and in you.  We are unique. Individual. And in serving myself, I can and will serve you as well.  Makes me want to market a t-shirt for ascension, especially given all of the intel and info flowing out there, which can be quite overwhelming:

KEEP IT SIMPLE.  KEEP IT PRESENT.  KEEP IT REAL.

 

As I wrote earlier, the song below came on the radio as I headed to the store.  I could have stayed in the car and cried for an hour but had shopping to do and most importantly, my child with me.  Listening to it again, I think of the games we play with one another.  The drama.  The accusing.  The blaming.  The arrogance.  The refusal to think outside of our own little boxes, which feel safe but are nothing but an illusion.  Our ability to work out conflicts stink.  We all suck at it.  And so the drama and the blaming and the accusing continue on.  Continue on because with each conflict, unresolved pain arises putting us into defensive mode.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we had a system that not only supported us as Who We Really Are but also included in this system was conflict resolution, provided for all, regardless of age.  I’ve studied this topic and am embarrassed to say “I should know better” in how I deal with conflict.

I know better.  I know the language to use so as to greatly reduce or eliminate a defensive response.

Good intentions.  Lousy follow-up.

I know better.

Lots of discomfort coming up around relationships right now.  Feeling it in my body.  And here I sit, stuffing my mouth full of kettle corn and other “comfort” foods that bring me only stomach discomfort.

So I put them down.  And I pause.  Go within.  Feel the tension.  Earlier I released by giving my punching bag several rounds.  A couple of faces were on that bag.  I punched until I felt within “enough – focus on forgiving.  See the innocence in all involved.”  The experience left from that is resignation and a deep quiet.

Walking is therapeutic as well – slow or fast (depending upon my need). Yoga is also a go-to for me and my body.

And then I listen to songs like this to not only cry but to humble myself.  To remind myself that hurting people hurt others.  It’s that simple.

It’s important to make space to acknowledge this and allow for our own pain AND the pain of the other.

 

 

Headed out earlier to get some supplies for the house.  I had been in a rather somber space, chalking it up to old stuff coming up to release as well as a collective whole, given what I read from other’s experience of today.  The need to just reflect was almost overwhelming.  I had given myself about 20 minutes to do that but I knew I had to go much deeper. Aaahhh, for an entire week away in a cabin by myself!

As we arrive at the first store, I noticed two couples walking past.  I watched the one in front, arms around each other.  The man, stroking the woman’s back.  For whatever reason, the tenderness of that moment took over me and next thing I know, tears are in my eyes.  I wanted to know their story.  How did they meet?  What was the reason for the arms around each other?  What was going on in their lives?

I pondered the amazing ability of the Universe.  What conspired to bring these two together?  What has kept them in each other’s life?

Turning up the radio, I heard REM’s “Everybody Hurts”.  This song always gets me.  Every. Single. Time.  Sitting in the car, ignoring my child’s “moooom come ON already let’s go INSIDE” request, I turn up the song and let myself go.

The words of this song, like these people I saw, show the tenderness of life.  The vulnerability.  The REALNESS of our humanity.  Every moment, so fleeting, over so quickly, onto the next.  How often are we fully in each moment?  I don’t know if this couple was fully in their moment but I know I was full in it – from my own perspective.  Like an unintentional peeping patty.

The image of REM’s lead singer enters my mind next.  I recalled watching him sing “Everybody Hurts” on an MTV Concert in the 90’s.  He was wearing his grandpa’s hat as a tribute to his recent passing.  Suddenly I’m missing my own grandpa, who also wore a similar hat.  The tears come. Hard.  And would not stop.  I tried to get myself together before going into the store.  Was not happening.

Screw it, I thought, getting out of the car.  I don’t care if I’m crying, who sees me.  I’m human and I’m having a moment.  Into the store I go.  It was crowded ~ no one noticed my “moment”.  Or if they did, did what the rest of us do and pretend we don’t see.

We get what we need.  I’m feeling a bit depleted.  Feelings of being used and unappreciated suddenly hit me.  Shit.  Here we go again, I think.

Onto the next store.  I’m on the lookout for a father’s day card for my mate.  I don’t see a single one that resonates with me.  Most were sarcastic.  Others so over the top.  In fact, the entire holiday brings up nothing but obligation and pain.  Don’t have a solid emotional connection with my father, try as I have.  My own relationship with my mate is a challenge, given we’re both longing for a new reality, both of us feeling trapped in our own ways.  It’s been a long, very bumpy journey together.

Why celebrate anything that I do not feel like celebrating?

So I walked away from the cards.  Child is nagging me incessantly to look at this, look at that.  “We’re here for you dad,” I said, giving her the look. (See how utterly boring my “real” life is?  My inner world of stories and such is far more interesting!)

I finally picked out some chocolate, walked to the register.  The clerk, a woman probably in her 60’s, is a lovely person.  I always enjoy speaking with her when I have gone into this store.  She asked my girl about school, to which my child referred the question to me.

“We home school now,” I said.

She holds up her hand and says “Well Mom deserves a high-five for that!” and proceeds to share her perspective on motherhood and moms who work in the home.  I told her if I ran this whole show, I would give every parent who stays home to raise their child a stipend.  She gives me a thumbs up and asks for another “high-five”.  The most important job ~ raising a human being.

I thanked her for her words.  She said she had a feeling I needed to hear them, words of appreciation.

Wow.  Talk about the Universe arranging a beautiful, much-needed moment for me.

Who of us IS appreciated enough?

In this house we seem to focus more on what is going wrong instead of what is working.  I have a feeling many households are like that.

Spouses.  Children and parents.  Couples.  Siblings.  Work relationships.

I know it is up to ME to determine my emotional experience.  And yet, sometimes, like today, when I am particularly tired and feeling somber, an old issue or two rearing it’s head for further re-examination, sometimes it is helpful and healing, in some way, to have the change in emotional experience directed through another Human Being.

Through seeing.

Through kindness.

Through sharing.

We could all use much more of that.

 

 

 

 

I was forwarded a piece this morning that made me laugh.  You can read it here.  I seem to always appreciative the narrative of his/her writings.  It was also a good reminder and allowed me to reflect on some things, namely the UFO phenomena and our obsession with it.  Ok, my obsession with it.

I used to be one of those who not only saw a variety of craft in the skies, I was also the type to greet them randomly without discernment, often calling for them to come pick me up.

Yikes!

After years of doing this, last year higher self had had enough and more or less yelled in my ear “HEY!  What are you doing?  You wouldn’t catch a ride with a stranger on the street.  Why would it be any different if they are flying a craft?”

Good point.  So I stopped.

Today when I see something, I know that it may be government.  It may be from another dimension.  Another galaxy/planet.  They may be benevolent (of which I am still quite open to meeting such Beings). They may be malevolent.  Or they may just be simply observing (for a variety of reasons).

And no longer do I call out for a ride outta here ~ no matter how low I get.

I also used to get excited upon thinking one day I would get to go aboard one of their ships and step inside one of these healing chambers I kept reading about.  This excitement continued for me until I listened to a piece where the woman (saying to channel prime creator ~ another thing that raises the alarm bells for me) spoke of ALL of us coming on board these ships (as though we would have no choice) where we would spend upwards of 6 months inside being healed and, get this, “reprogrammed”. Reprogrammed into WHAT?  And using what devices?

NO THANK YOU.  I’m grateful for listening to that particular program because it really helped me look at my own thoughts on this and enabled me to realize I was just blindly following this particular program.

I think we will do just fine “reprogramming” ourselves with written/spoken/shared information that we can weigh against our OWN inner guidance and then we choose whether we wish to incorporate a particular bit of information as our own.  I also thought “isn’t it more important we REMEMBER instead of just surrendering our will to some reprogramming machine?”

Again – NO THANK YOU.  Sounds far too creepy reptilian disguised as pretty unicorns to me.  We are equals to all Beings – whether they reside in this dimension or the 5th, 6th, 7th, etc. etc..  Period.

Help is help when it is presented as an option.  And Love is Love when the one seeking help/healing is asked what he/she feels they need.

The tech already exists for us to heal ourselves.  Let me check it out on my own, if I feel I wish to use it, show me how and I will do it in the privacy of my own home or in a healing center.

The kind that stay on the ground.

Discernment 101: Fly high but keep thy feet well grounded.  

 

Some of you will have noticed I uploaded a new piece last night, only to remove it.  I decided to do that because the words I had written were primarily for me to read.  I also am needing to move on and away from letting personal differences and what I feel/perceive as an attack knock me off my Center.  Before going to sleep, I did a new meditation/focus on healing those parts of me that experienced pain around this.  I was too tired to do it with the intention needed so somewhere along the way I drifted off to sleep, only to wake up several hours later.  Agitated.

I know when this happens not to ignore it so I did some work with that part of me in pain.  Soothing.  Accepting.  Then I called in my Higher Self and simply said “send this part of me that feels hurt some Love.”  What came next surprised me at first.

A vision suddenly appeared in my mind – a slowly growing vision of the infinity symbol, which I knew was a representation of time.  I then saw a higher version of Me – with each of my wrists being wrapped with each of the ends of the loop.  I then saw myself break this symbol of time apart, my face looking upwards, energies being released as I seemed to roar over the release.

Trapped in time?

No real surprise there.

Able to break free of that illusion?

Yes.

More focus to be spent on processing that one.  It was powerful though.  It relaxed me.  I was able to return to sleep.

No longer am I satisfied to “wait” for this shift or wave or event or fill-in-the-blank before I find my relief, my healing, my happiness, my purity.

I am more powerful than that.

We all are.