Emotions all over the place. Body feels so tense in certain spots. I stretched a lot today as I have the last few days. Many walks. At times quite intense. Big movements. Today I walked, swung my arms in large loops, lifted invisible weights and roared a few times. Took my child to one of the local parks and let her run around while I sat alone, kicked some wood chips and had such an intense deep cry, I drooled. And didn’t care who heard or saw. Ascension vomiting 101.
I have that technique mastered.
I feel my energy within wants to expand and BE FREE of any and all restrictions. It’s like I am deeply in the process of birthing my Real Self and she is pitching a fit in needing me to clean the internal house so she can have her own space. Some days, like today, it feels like I am twins in a womb, fighting for space.
My head does weird buzzing things. My bones hurt. Again, ZERO desire to be around any sort of conflict, loud noise, endless talking. Today I released the times I have been fake to myself. Put on the pretend show. I have done that for much of my life on a lot of areas, a lot of things, situations. Family feels unnatural to me. Anything “traditional” feels unnatural. It isn’t that I don’t love my family. I just need it to be something else. I would likely feel “better” about this if I felt I were truly walking my path of purpose. Certainly knowing I was with my tribe. Have I mentioned this reality authentically sucks to me? lol Today I feel so absolutely out of place ~ much like I do much of the time ~ but the effects today are DAYEM. A whole new level.
I was thinking about this realm, this reality. Today while I was in the bathroom, my woo woo message space, I felt/heard that the matrix is an overlay of multiple realities we are ALL creating, knowingly or unknowingly.
Well ok then, I thought. What am I supposed to do with that then?
Be absolutely meticulous on my thoughts ~ those focused thoughts. Can I really “create” my way into a whole different realm? My “version” of paradise?
Cause this isn’t it ~ obviously. It is painful to know within you have had different and now realize opting to come to this realm for this final showdown was perhaps a bit more of a challenge than originally “felt”. The curtain can fall any time now. I have no reason to wait. None. I am tired. Every damn day I am tired. I ground. I release. I rest and nap and sleep and eat well and all of that. And still I am tired and when in my deepest quietest moments, I want this experience over. Too many cycles and loops that end the same ~ leave the body and thinking ok NEXT cycle will be the liberation of our species. I am supposed to be doing something different. I have a restlessness that won’t go away. Even in my moments of “all is well”, that inner restlessness, which I began feeling almost 20 years ago, still remains.
I leave this one with no answers other than I want an end to ground hog day.
