Personal share here.
My girl came to me a bit ago and said her jeans are getting too short on her. I sighed, then smiled and said they will just have to do for now. I stopped myself as I began to say I didn’t have the money right now to buy more clothes for her.
Which is true – because I don’t.
Part of my inner work I’ve been hitting hard in recent weeks is the abundance factor – going within to flip those false scripts. I know I have that power to do that.
And I also know the frequency in this place will come in and poke at ya to say “no you’re not”. Or wherever it is we are and however it is that this matrix/reality operates. I don’t like it – I don’t like the heaviness of it – it’s like making new loaves of bread only to have old stale crappy ones tossed back at you while you continue to hammer away at making the NEW types of bread.
Make sense?
I feel that anger inside – the disappointment. The f’ing fatigue – how I feel I am in the battle of my mental/emotional life – and how f’ing difficult it is when you are in the situation I am in. Need I say more?
I did some searching around to see if there were more services for me – job help – that sort of thing. N A D T (not a damn thing). The one program through the state is only if you are super poor and on welfare. I feel like I am not being seen in the way I want need and deserve. I feel I am alone on a stage expressing explicitly what I need – expecting that experience to be returned to me – for I will accept nothing else.
So for now, I continue to say a quick “NO” to what comes at me that I do not want – and “YES” to the visions in my heart and mind. But Jesus – some real relief would be a good thing. Real lasting relief because my body is telling me to slow down and sleep and rest – but doing that doesn’t achieve the funds or things I need to be doing for my daughter alone. It doesn’t keep food in the house. It doesn’t allow for any sort of savings and considering the weather has changed from summer to late fall and I am having to run the heat :::CRINGE::: and my savings is pretty much depleted now and the CC maxed, I don’t know what else to do other than to plow on.
And PROMOTE myself – which is odd in this regard because I have been intending HELP with this for a long long time – MONTHS and MONTHS – and I have reached out to people who do this and WTF why don’t I hear back? When people offer to share – and I do – but then they don’t share – I don’t get that. I REFUSE to have that invisible experience.
I AM SEEN.
I have questions and would like some answers from something real and divine. That aligns with my HEART.
