As I was driving around today, attempting to focus my thoughts when all I really wanted to do was go back home and sleep, the word “discombobulated” went through my mind. We all have those days where we head out with the desire to find a few items only to find ourselves unable to find what we were looking for in the first place. Now likely if I had listened to my own desires and stayed home and rested/slept and headed out tomorrow or the next day, I likely would have found what I was wanting. Easily. Just like finding that artwork yesterday. There was such a flow yesterday. Today was the exact opposite, that is until I took my child to the park and vented out my frustrations on paper and then, re-reading my thoughts and knowing “this is not the state-of-mind I wish to be in”, I finished up the venting with this one: “i will instead find my sanctuary of peace within.”
She is there – somewhere. Just having a struggle of it today. When at one of my stops the clerk asked how I was enjoying the first day of fall. I replied yesterday was a much more peaceful day for me within. Today I feel that pain in the blank experience of old stuff wanting attention ~ this time it is ME that wants love. I don’t need to just release the old stuff ~ I need to be in tune with what I really want – LOVE. Peace. Respect. Attention.
That last one – attention – something I have perfected in giving away to others while neglecting myself. How often have I thought “how SELFISH they are” – when in truth, it is an act of self-love.
Is it indeed possible for me to be so in love with myself, I release all expectations towards others? Is it possible to be at such peace with myself that the reactions of others have no affect on me?
In my discombobulated state, I am able to find truth in that.
