Oh, after having such a beautiful dream experience last night where I was in the new earth realm, connecting with others, absolutely no stress, no outside systems of control or power ~ waking up feeling so lovely and calm and peaceful. The way I know I can and am desiring to.
But then stuff starts coming up. I have had several experiences in just the last 3 days of people stepping all over my boundaries. And yes I spoke up and asserted myself – but when does that stop trolls from making the initial intrusion? I am quite a simple person in some ways. I do not like intrusion or questioning. I have stated verbally to those closest to me: If you feel I need help or support, ask what I need.
Simple, right?
But this dynamic of some having absolutely no sense of boundaries asking their questions and when I either choose not to answer or supply an answer that isn’t of their liking, it still makes me want to fucking scream and punch someone’s lights out but good when my personal truth is not respected. Again ~ask me what I need but never assume to know what is best or right for me.
I have been questioned about choices I am making. I am an adult. I am perfectly capable of communicating my needs. I accept those who fall into the category of “family” (a term I use very lightly anymore) as they are. It ain’t forthcoming back at me. Again ~ want to help me? Listen as I speak my needs. If not, at this point in my life, shut the fuck up and go the fuck away.
The anger runs deep. And I have to acknowledge her and give her a voice. For 48 hours I have silenced her with soothing words and by speaking thoughts of “do not let this trigger you – let it go – just let it go – we are beyond this – we KNOW the truth of who we are”. Helps for a bit until it comes back up – this week it has come back up because I had another episode put into my experience late last night that brought up over 20 years of “stuff”.
All I can do is honor myself and let go of the new age spiritual dogma that turns a blind eye to the inner world of emotional repressed pain – or just pain alone – by using the tactic of soft silence – silencing the inner experience with pretty unicorns and love and light (false love and light). I am completely aware of my “stuff” at this point. I know what I need to do. And I am also fed the fuck up with having anyone in my life who doesn’t honor me or respect me. If you’re still knee deep in programming, especially when it comes to human relating, go away.
I feel the need to create a giant sign and wear it. It will say something like “Old Victoria is no longer open for your business”.
In the meantime, purge this stuff, love it as I love myself.
And put on my “do not disturb grumpy cat” hat.
Onwards we go….
Victoria
I have this list of phrases or thoughts..just one liners that come into my mind..someday I think I will make a tshirt line..or at the very least bumper stickers….I am well aware too that there are probably not too many original thoughts..but my latest one …is ..
TRUTH SHOULD BE LEGALIZED
I get so foooking tired of having to put up with ..deal with..accept inconsiderate behavior..in my case it is the neighbors..who pretty much impose their life and life style on everyone..from loud late nights music and partyin in the yard..to cigarette smoke filling the air..the non stop dog barking allllllllll fucking day..etc..
Since it is a rental and the one back house is going to be rented a gain the first of the month..I had to say something to the landlord..so, I let my truth be told of what it is like being a home owner living next door to a revolving door of people..the worst offenders have been there 2 yrs.
well, that was a few days ago..and in the last few..no barking dog all day..must be leaving it in the house…the every eve conversations and cig smoke are further back in the yard not next to my patio..so, regardless of what the opinion of me is from these diff folks..not sure if the landlord told them I said anything ..does not matter..I have no loss of a connection here ..there was none.
There is so much energy put into being all love and peace and acceptance blah blah bucking blah…I ‘m over it..I want consideration..in all areas of my life..I am a considerate person..so, I am not asking for something I am not being…so, fook the kumbahya…”you renters are gettin on my one last fucking nerve’..I had already spoken to them about their dogs..nothing changed..
So, I went to the landlord as I knew a new renter was coming and I said..i do hope they dont have a dog ..smoke cigs in their yard next to my yard.etc. So, I guess she made the choice as to what kind of renters she wanted and she said something to these peeps…but since she was unaware of my expeirence with these peeps..she didn’t know how they were affecting the hood…so, I told the truth..or at least my truth…it should be legal to do so and yet people try to shame you for being honest.
The thing is..most people are sleep walking thru this life..connected to their electronic pacifiers..and thinking of the small world in the palm of their hand..and really have lost some human skills of interacting and being..so,
snap out it..and the only way that happens IS to let people know ..’ya know what you you are overstepping..you are not the only people on the planet..you live in a neighborhood..sit up straight..snap out if..don’t make me slap you between your eyes’..seriously ..I really am not a violent person..but I can see why folks just want to slap some up side the head to wake ’em up.
Peace and love to one and alll…but stay out of my dance space..
So, I hear you..and your frustration…
..again another after thought about ‘truth’..
when my 27 yr marriage was ending..I found out that I had been living a ‘lie’..my ex had a different life he was doing ‘outside’ of our partnership..so, the conclusion I came to about that..and what pissed me off the most was..
How dare someone not tell me the ‘truth’ of their feelings and actions in a significant relationship..and it applies to all partnerships..not just marriage..but what that ‘non truth’ way of being did to me was…
IT DID NOT GIVE ME AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE BETTER CHOICES FOR MYSELF AND MY LIFE.
I gave that person he ‘best of my youth’..and he took it..he took everything he wanted from everywhere he wanted it from..I was just a small player in his play..
That’s what lying does..about your feelings ..or your activities you know would not bode well with someone..it is selfish…so, you tell people the truth..you may not like it they may not like it ..the truth.. but you do have to accept it. It keeps things on an even playing field.