I have so little to say and yet so very much to say at the same time. It has been a day. Child fell off her bike, busting a cable. More money to toss at that. Then she stubbed her foot, cutting open her big toe. I spent last night on the couch throwing up a meal I bought prepared because I was too exhausted to cook (and my intentions of creating an angel who just brings me a home-cooked meal just because has yet to transpire). Trader Joe’s Spaknokita or something like that. Far too many onions. The food was not tainted with anything as my mate and child ate the same thing w/o consequence.
Still feeling like shit today. Body hurts. Still waiting for things “out there” to change. Still intending the same desires for myself. The nightly meditations.
While inside is a giant FUCK YOU brewing wishing to be unleashed.
I’m kind of at a loss on how to create anything worthwhile, that I desire, in this reality anymore.
I am used to the struggle. But never before has it been like this.
I surrender and let go. Then what? More “void”?
No thank you. Spent far too much of my adult life in that “void”.
I know what I desire.
And I am tired of advice that doesn’t come backed up with authentic help or the question “what can I do for you”. Does no one do this??? Unasked for advice repels me when it isn’t backed up with such a statement.
Are we gonna create a true authentic space of Unity or more of the same? More superficiality?
I opt for Unity and authenticity, myself.
For now, I am going to nurse this sore, ick-feeling body, put some more boo boo cream on my little one’s big toe. The song lyrics “it don’t come easy” just went through my mind. Not. Funny.
Certainly not today.
