i realize that when i speak the way i’m about to, not all get it. and that’s ok because i know we’re all unique in our own way – and not everyone has the same experience or came from the same place nor came here in the same way or for the same reason.
but i gotta say – especially since the election here in the states – i am as untethered to this place as i have ever been. i’ve been spending time alone – quiet – trying to tether myself to SOMETHING.
and you know what?
it just ain’t happening.
i feel attached to NOTHING.
NADA.
zero zip N A D A.
directionless.
there’s this huge void of empty that makes me question if i’m really human – if i’m just a program that is running down or something.
and it isn’t that i’m not motivated – i am – i am HUGELY in need of change and new – but other than this mental speak i continue to do i don’t know what to f’ing do.
i don’t much like that i feeeeeeeeeeeeel i am waiting on something outside of me to switch and change that catapults me forward.
i don’t like this at all.
it’s my life – I AM IN CHARGE.
ME
I am the driver.
I am in control.
So you could say going quiet within is annoying as hell for me atm.
So I distract.
I do crafts.
I eat.
I lift weights.
And eat again.
I go for walks.
Oooh is that a box of cookies I forgot about??
I play the piano and I sing f’ing kumbaya and dance to Linus and Lucy and Vince Guaraldi music.
And drink some tea and oooooh more cookies!
And sometimes I kick things and scream.
And eat again this time fruit because i need that balanced diet.
And cry.
And pray.
Sometimes plead.
Thoughts return to food….
Melted cheese – that sounds good!
And ask.
And eat another cookie.
And command.
But I.Am.Still.Here.
And I thank the Universe that during these times I come across others like me who are experiencing the same damn thing, which makes me step back and stop blaming myself for this struggle to create and get clarity and move mountains
because
as i started
this piece:
not all of us
are here
for
the
same
reason
or
came in
the
same
way.
Love,
Victoria
