So my girl and I decided to watch a movie tonight – Father of the Bride II. Steve Martin. Diane Keaton. We watched FOTB last week (a rewatch for me from almost 30 years ago) and decided to watch the second one. Middle aged parents – pregnant – same time as their newly married daughter.
The money thrown around in that movie was just over-the-top. Lavish baby shower. Dad whips out a check for $100k to buy back his house he had had sold in a moment of middle-aged insanity. The 90’s – back when things were pretty good for most people. Back in the day when being gay wasn’t pushed and was still benign without the perversion. Back in the day when there was not the politically/socially correct bullsheot we all see everywhere.
And now…….Here I am now thinking how the hell will I ever – E V E R – be able to compete with that? How will I ever be able to catch up? Today my girl organized and re-arranged her room. She asked to get rid of her nightstand. It’s old – smelling a bit musty – a knob missing – in need of a total refinish job and I thought – I actually thought – “I can’t even afford to get my daughter a new nightstand”. Just thinking about getting a used one – again – made me say “NO I AM DONE WITH THAT.” She. deserves. NEW – not someone’s discarded unwanted cr@p.
And then there’s her pool. The pool we bought her last year – which got a puncture in it the second day we used it and the patch I had didn’t work but I decided to keep it anyway. So this year I bought different patches and put them on last weekend. They worked – so I filled it up again and now it has more puncture marks yet again (rats or raccoon – who knows). So I patched it up yet again today and it’s still slowly leaking from who knows where and I’m thinking ok new pool – but I can’t afford that.
I can’t even afford a f ‘ing slip-n-slide. Not that I would get her something like that – pretty dangerous. My budget is dollar tree plastic and a garden hose.
When I WANT to give her so. much. more. She deserves it. I deserve the chance to do just that. Yeah I know – love is enough. That’s what “they” say. But it isn’t, is it? Love doesn’t buy those things she wants much less needs. And love doesn’t take away the pain and angst I feel over my life and what I want to do for her and at this moment, can’t.
7 years ago this month I was nudged to start this site. 7. years. ago. I had nothing else coming to me at the time – and so I followed those nudges and my heart who told me my idea for this site was time – it was time 7 years ago this July to launch it. And when I made the decision to DO – things flowed together quickly and easily – which is how the Universe flows.
And yet here I am today – wondering what the absolute f u c h to do next – as I am not feeling that Universal flow – not the way I have in the past – much less real authentic nudges from within. I hear stories in my mind about what I THINK I can do (and am working on those) – but nothing new is really coming THROUGH me – if that makes sense.
The terms “Trust the plan” and “trust the universe” and “you have a purpose” are not phrases I am feeeeeeeeeeeeeling much these days – if at all – certainly not the way I was feeling 7 years ago. I’m feeling like I’ve hit a wall I don’t know how to knock down or get past or climb over. I feel as though I have run out of options, out of ideas, out of any real doing anything significant or lasting or new in this experience – in this space – in this frequency – in this reality – other than what I do each day to ensure my girl is fed housed clothed and has a smile on her face at the end of the day.
That’s it.
But it’s not enough.
I stand at that wall – and still chip away at it – because I will never. stop. trying. doing. for myself or for giving a better life experience for my child. It can stand there – stoic and unmoving and pushing back all it once – I NEVER QUIT. I’ll f’ing steal a plasma weapon and bust it down if I have to. Nope – I NEVER. QUIT.
But I do walk away from plans.
And I am ok telling the Universe or God or anyone to shove it – I will go it alone.
Because I want and deserve the opportunity to have the experience where I can buy my kid a new pool and surprise her when she comes home from the horse riding lessons I can also afford to give her – where she sees a brand new dresser – in that shade of gray she loves. And not to prove anything to her or to show her how much I love her – but so that I can DO as I long to do – FOR her.
