Late night random thoughts

 

the inner clearing and cleaning up continues.  i see how i seem to be two different people inhabiting this body.  one part of me likes to be in the flow – easy peasy let things just happen and come to me.  sometimes this looks like plain ‘ole laziness (which it is – i am an expert as “putting that off for another moment”)….

then i have another part of me that is very driven.  get up get going get ‘er done.  this part i rely on to engage in the trauma release work i am doing. today during my session, the counselor working with me paused when she saw me struggling.  “this is hard work,” she said.  “you can take a break if you want.”

No, i said. This isn’t hard work.  What’s been hard is living with this crap inside of me.  I want it O U T.

So we continued.  At another point she said “You don’t have to do this work each session.  You may just decide to talk at times.”

No, I said (again).  I am here to release this baggage and be the Me I know I can be. I am here to do this work and not just sit and talk about it.

Maybe if I had employed that with consistency in my younger years, my experience here would have looked different.  Been different.  Felt different. Coulda, woulda, shoulda…….None of this is an indication that I can’t or won’t have different and new while I remain in this experience.

We hit upon something near the end.  The subject:  Control.  She said how we don’t have complete control over our body.  I said “inside this realm, no.”  The tension I felt within…..I KNOW I am supposed to control this vessel.  I once had that ability – easily.  We all did.  I went on to share my view on Freedom.

That’s not how it is here, she said.

“Doesn’t that bother you?” I asked.  She shrugged.  That’s just how it is.

Just how it is.  That allowing for all.  U G H

(btw – this is why talk therapy never did work well for me – many of my conversations w/otherwise wonderful, well-intentioned counselor’s went nowhere – lol)

So – I keep things pretty p.c. in order to stick to my focus of releasing trauma using this particular method  by bringing up the event so my brain can finish processing.  I’ve done similar work in the past but not to the level I am with this woman.  And today I saw the amazing ability of the human brain.  It seeks to finish a task – even if it was interrupted for decades.  I gained new awareness of the particular situation worked on today and found reason to smile – and put another notch on the empowerment ladder.

Other than that, energetically I am feeling pretty up.  Pretty energized – until I’m not when, like tonight, I was suddenly and strongly hit with the “go to bed and sleep – NOW”.  I listen to that voice and when I do, like tonight, I am out within moments – sleep deeply – and wake up just as quick as I fall asleep – often confused.  Where am I?  What time is it?  Where have I been?  I swear, I “go places” during those particular naps.

I also saw the importance of having my personal space and solitude.  I felt, within, the impact how this has been missing.  I’m not talking about having an hour or two – but days.  I looked back over my experience and saw my most favorite moments, overall, where I felt best, where I felt most connected and at peace was, believe it or not, when I was alone.  I really do enjoy my own company.  I love my family.  I love connecting (in as much as I can) with friends in my area.  But nothing gets me back to Center Self than the freedom to Be when I am alone.

I wanted to add something I recently read – the virus within these vessels – the ability to purge that should now be easy to do instead of the ongoing struggle it has been for us.  I feel this aligns w/Yellow Rose’s latest where she spoke of their fear pushing at us is virtually powerless.  The time is now to focus on what we really want – what awaits us – what calls us – what Home is and all is has to offer….that deeply aligns w/my own feeling now as well.

I leave you with a song and a picture.  Knights in White Satin (the extended version).  A favorite.  A Love song of searching.

The picture is of me.  I’m private in sharing such things – especially on the internet.  But this is something I’ve wanted to do for awhile so I thought why not.  And that way when we exit, you will know who to look for.  I am being humorous of course – we will know within who our family/tribe is. Thank you for being mine on this ride inside.

Love,

Victoria

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