I am really struggling now. Really really really REALLY. I think, however, the term “struggling” no longer is suitable. It’s more of an “I don’t know what to do anymore” about my challenges. I really don’t. Intending. Praying. Seeking. Knocking on doors. Asking. My challenges also include the battles of my daughter and mate. I no longer know what to do to truly help them. I see what is happening to my mind – and it concerns me a bit. I can’t carry my family the way I once did – emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I own that – I honor that – and yet here it still remains – a family in need – without the level of support needed and deserved.
I got angry last night when I watched Heartland. Most of the characters and the roles they play – not really a solid grasp of how good they have it. I know obviously it’s a tv show – but there is an air of aloofness along with much take-it-for-granted moments. It’s become hard to watch – because I long sooooooooooo much for that kind of connection and solid family support in my day to day life. It’s an unmet need that is leaving me feel so parched now. We were forced into isolation – abandoned by people we thought were friends. And now with the graphene oxide that has a loud intrusive party on us whenever WI-FI frequencies are around – that isolation is so f’ing palpable now. No need to go into details I’ve already shared.
I feel like my mate and I – in our own ways – yell into the cosmos – calling it in – calling the love and help and support and healing and connection in – and the experience on our end feels like we’re talking to a bunch of empty space. A giant empty hall where I hear just a faint echo of expressed words.
I feel so sad. So angry. And feel so. completely. broken. Powerless. EXHAUSTED. Yeah, people say don’t give up and don’t do this and do that. Blah blah blah is all I hear now. They are only words. I’ve been doing all that all along. Powering up – REALLY powering up on the hard days? Now though? I’m depleted. When I’m waking up – and not even remembering pounding on the bed saying I AM DONE I AM DONE – I’m desperate. (mate says i did that again last night in my sleep) I need a tribe around me. I need the $$ means to MOVE and the opportunity in which to DO so. I need to connect with (draw to me) those of similar mindsets who are doing well and have the means in which to help. I need REAL healing not this ongoing half ass sheot I receive mostly due to $$ – although when I am honest with myself – the kind of healing I seek I know to be very very careful in who plays around in my energy space. Unless one is at the level I am as to this reality – I won’t work with them. I’ve had certain issues worsen after working with those who called in angels and any and all dimensional beings to offer “assistance” and “guidance” (and most every one of ’em said I hadn’t learned my lessons yet so no answers for my questions).
My ability to “do” feels broken. I’m on the ground and this time I don’t know how I am going to pull myself back up. I’ll keep going – but now it feels like I am crawling. Some good sleep would help out – I know that – and I do the breathing exercises, the foot baths, the stretching, the yoga and intending and am popping cbd gummies and Bach Flower essences like candy – and none. of. it. is. working. atm. Falling asleep isn’t the problem. I do that just fine. It’s waking up suddenly – wide awake – usually highly agitated – with no memory as to why I am agitated. And then I lay there – until I decide to get up – get a bite to eat and drink – return to bed. And repeat. It’s taken a toll. I’m losing my train of thought easily – I’m forgetting to do things I said I would – which has become quite annoying to my daughter.
Speaking of my daughter, she is having yet another “fake friend” issue. Yet another little one is showing signs of being a bully – dismissive – with my girl once again doing all. of. the. reaching. out.
ARE THERE ANY REAL PEOPLE LEFT HERE? Yes – that is a serious question. I am having very strong WTF is this place really?!
Aside from the group of you I speak with – I’m baffled as to the level of “fakeness” out there. Lack of consideration.
I once read something – beautiful words – about when you go silent for awhile – those who reach out to check in on you – those are your people. I’ve been both very saddened and happily surprised with that one. Those of you who reach out – THANK YOU! Those of you who check in with me as I do here on my site and in private – THANK YOU! When I ask and offer to share your personal needs here – and ask how you are – that is the core and heart of WHO I AM. I do not share those words lightly.
I now own and honor how I’ve been – WHO I am. I see someone in need – I reach out – ask what is needed. If I can’t help, I try and find others who can. And I may sound like an entitled prima donna – but this is how I feel: It is time for me to have that love returned. And I accept it because I deserve it.
Every one of you do.
Love,
Victoria
Those of us who choose not to behave like Ostriches are feeling some type of collective fatigue. Remaining awake during a battle may result in battle fatigue, and this is the price we pay for participating. I do believe that the Totalitarian Tyrants and bankster elite will try to break our spirits. It is our job not to allow them to kill our spirit. We win by staying alive despite their strong-arm tactics.
WWG1WGA