Some finds for 12.21.22 ~ And a personal share

So it’s been a week – and I haven’t shared these particular details.  Someone got ahold of my debit card number and went on a little spree – which naturally lead to closing the card and ordering a new one.  My bank has the best fraud protection on the market so I am thankful for that.  The youngest one broke a cupboard door – the hinge in particular – which is not fixable as the screws holding the latch into the base are glued in making it pointless to swap hinges much less buy another one.  We’ve had to deal with little things breaking down here or there and our living situation – well it’s “special” – we get to take care of things (whether we can afford them or not) and we get a good deal to stay here.  This has meant having to use pieces of hemp string I have tied together to form a loop to hold the blinds in place if I want to open them because the inner strings/cords already broke (SO CHEAP).  I get to do this every morning on several of our windows – and the one in my daughter’s room is a PITA to get to.  This also has lead to us having to wash our clothes in the garage with the machine that we own because the one that came w/this place broke and, well, you know – take care of it (and this time around the repair dudes said the unit was too old and no parts so we had to get creative and hook up the unit we already owned and brought w/us when we moved in).  That means we have to use the hose from the house – which means cold water – and also means we have to hook up hoses from the machine and place them in the yard for the rinse water to exit – plus hooking up the hose to the attachment to the machine.  We have to go through this process every. time. we want to wash clothes.  It’s been this way for over a year – and we’ve made the best of ut – but now?  It’s become a royal PITA – especially with how cold it’s been – and my mate’s health issues make it more challenging – esp. w/bending, lifting, carrying, etc.  It’s REALLY a joyful experience when it’s raining – put shoes on to carry out the laundry basket – take them off before coming inside so we don’t carry in the mud and pine needles from our feet.  Oh and we have to use our outside shoes to do this.  Plus we carry out 2 buckets of hot water to add some warm water to the wash to get them clean.  We have to run a heater on the wash at night when it’s 35 or below to keep it warm.

And THEN when we do that, we have to shut the side door in a “special way”.  Why, you ask?  So it still stay shut.  And why is that?  You know – the entire side of the house (thanks to tree roots) is slowly falling away from the rest of the house.

At least we have shelter that is warm, safe and dry.  And it doesn’t escape my mind or heart knowing there are people in my city who don’t have the same – who are living in a tent – struggling to keep the sleeping bag dry or even having to deal with a broken zipper on that sleeping bag.  I remind myself of that now and then – esp. when I am feeling the way I am on this particular evening.

But tonight – when I saw that the bracket busted – I slowly melted down.  I’m too OLD for this sheot.  I am f’ing DONE renting and I am absolutely DONE being financially poor and trapped by others who have more money than I do and thus more power over how and when I create – and what I can do inside of my own home.  The female goddess in me also doesn’t want broken sheot.  It’s an energy thing.  The female in me wants NICE THINGS.  I’m sitting here on this old laptop on top of our bed and this comforter we have has holes and tears plus a recently found activated charcoal stain on it that I accidentally spilled on it when I was cleaning out under the dresser and forgot I had placed bowls of the stuff to absorb moisture and odor because, you know, older homes with crappy insulation and shoddy construction lead to issues (SMELLS).

And there’s the dresser in which I speak of which has been repaired by yours truly off and on for a few years because I cannot afford new or nice furniture.

And heating this place – space heaters to save money on electricity.  Those wall mounted things run at 1500W – space heaters give me the option of 750 OR 1500 so I’ve found 750 works just fine.  Plus towels under the door to keep draft from coming in (get to do that every night too – including in the summer to keep bugs/spiders from crawling inside).

I’ve done my best to make this a soothing homey environment.  And I know I’ve done an amazing job at it.  I can decorate (kinda) like Martha Stewart on a dime.  Thrift store finds (back when we could go to them and not worry about being radiated).  Yard sale finds (back when people actually had them – pre-covid days).  But now I want to buy NEW and stop using objects previously owned that eventually break.  And most importantly:  I don’t want money to be in the way.  I want that Flow to run Purely and Consistently now.

Things built up.  I can only smile and say “it’s ok” for so long before the truth comes rising up saying “THIS IS NOT OK FOR ME ANYMORE.”

And it isn’t.  But I can make it ok – or BE OK with it NOT being ok.

Or something like that.

Gratitude is the gateway to that “ok”.

Just pouring out my thoughts and keeping it real on this trusty little laptop of mine.

Here’s what I’m seeing.

Love,

V.

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