I try to stay positive – sometimes I fake it. And keep going – like the post above. Today – lately – I’ve been struggling to keep the momentum. I thought I would share those inner voices I am challenging/shifting – someone may need to hear you are not alone.
I was up at 3:30am – body needing to move. I’ve learned to listen to my body and asked what she needed. Yoga. On the mat. So I climb out of bed, get out my mat, place it on the floor and stretch – all intuitively guided by my body. It worked. Body felt much better so I was able to return to bed. However, the inner words of doubt, anxiety and fear remained. Today I figure – what the hell – let’s put those words out there so I can exorcise them. With love.
I am invisible. I don’t matter. I am to blame. It’s my fault. I can never do anything right. I can’t make it on my own. The world is scary. I can’t take care of myself on my own. I am not safe. People won’t like the real me. I need to hide my fears and tears. People will abandon me. Why can’t I shift my inner thinking? Why can’t I let go of these thoughts? WHY DO THEY STICK TO ME?
You get the picture.
I’d really like to know how long it takes to shift something. I’d like to know why some things just seem to stick – and how to remove them – other than what I am doing – deep breathing, intention, focus, releasing, crying, thinking new thoughts, challenging the old ones when they come up (and that is f’ing EXHAUSTING work btw – and requires dedicated time – which is hard as hell for me with my parameters) – hearing my own voice every day and night with the new words.
Am I being attacked? Is there something attached to me – or this house – coming around? My girl sees things. I smell things. I burn resin – intend – put on frequency music – cast ’em out. Read the books.
It shouldn’t be this hard. Trauma and ugly things happen in a flash and take root in the body. Why the fuch is it so difficult to remove them – to shift into Love again?
Are we meant to heal alone?
I don’t think so – but that is- overall- what I’ve been doing. Today I realized how much I needed someone to just show up in my life and hold space for me and hug me. It seems, overall, when I reach out I get advice or get told to check this out or that out – and my body – my body says NO to that. Sometimes the need is simply allowing me to tell my story over and over until it’s. all. out. of. me.
