As I mentioned I went to a friend/neighbor’s house for a celebration. The cake was wow unbelievably delicious ~ homemade, gluten/flour/dairy-free. And the talk did not include anything political. However this is a big hillary/obama group and so I prepped myself before going. When I asked my mate how I looked before leaving (looking for him to comment on my attire as I was, for me, dressed up – fancy jeans, blousy top, boots), he said my energy looked small and felt low. Wow. Apparently I did not do any prepping. But I appreciated the honesty ~ I always do no matter how difficult it might be to hear.
I saw how I make myself small when I go to such things ~ not really out of fear anymore but just so my beautiful mouth won’t suddenly start saying things the brain is screaming to be spoken ~ such things I would rather not share because I do not wish to cause another pain. And in situations such as today, where a friend was celebrating her birthday, no way was I going to put a damper on that. That is what I told myself at the time…
As everyone sat down to enjoy the desert, I checked in with my energy. Low. Very low. So I leveled it up – closed my eyes – smiled and let myself be at a more “me” space. This went pretty well after ~ until I got up to put the melting ice cream into the freezer. The freezer door had two hillary magnets on them including one saying “madame president”. I actually sucked in my breath. No one was in the kitchen so no one heard the words that came out as I exhaled. The desire to say something was overwhelming. At the most I wanted to share all I have learned ~ at the last I wanted to say “wait until you begin learning who this woman really is…”
No one spoke of politics, that I heard (my girl said she heard two speak of how awesome Obama was). As we stood by the door chatting about this and that, I asked about anyone noticing the homeless situation downtown. No. Unnoticed. I then overheard one of the guests, who was sitting down, that they were sick with a cold. WTH???
With that, I grabbed my girl and said “thank you good-bye” and was out the door in a flash.
Why is it people do that?
Why do people knowingly go out and be among others when they are sick? No heads up so let others know so we ~ so I can make a conscious choice as to whether I wish to attend? Especially with a child??
When I arrived home, we washed the hands, took some silver, stripped out of the clothes.
I still need to scream.
I still need to say “that woman you support? that woman you wanted to be president?? Do you have ANY idea who she really is and what her plans were for all of us??!! WAKE UP!!!”
Then I see all of this stuff going on with Syria and Iran and Israel with Russia and the U.S. allegedly maneuvering it all to take out the cabal for once and for all. Obviously I support that.
However, the conclusion I come to today is this: I AM DONE WITH GAMES.
I am done with trying to put together a puzzle I am not creating.
I am done with ANYTHING being hidden.
Done with anything FAKE.
So for now I sit….the hermit that I am…shaking my head knowing what I want but not having much of a clue as to how to create it. Other than to just be myself at all times ~ the me I want to be ~ without concern for a consequence.
For what is most important now ~ authentic revealing of TRUTH and of self or more socially correct conversations where we ~ where I ~ put on the face of “go along to get along” ~ all in order to fit in ~ fit in to what exactly…another illusion?
NO THANK YOU.
I am not saying I do not appreciate and desire interactions with others. Goddess knows how much I need this ~ and today satisfied in some way the need to connect with others face to face. But to have such interactions with my tribe, in person, those for whom you just connect with and share a like-minded and hearted vision is something that IS deeply missing from my life. And as I felt earlier, may even take a bit of getting used to ~ but it would be time well worth investing!
Off to rest…
Love,
Victoria
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