repeat world. ya’ll should hear how my mate says those two words. sometimes it makes me laugh – when i pause and detach from my own sense of frustration and “what’s taking so dang long??!!”
today was the super bowl here in the states. we did not participate. why would i give any focus to not only a sporting event that was most likely rigged – but to an experience that holds that dark secret of being one of the biggest trafficking days? all one would have to do is think of just one young person or adult having to endure such horror and then turn off the tv. then there’s the halftime show. (saw enough of those references on social media feed today. U G H!)
we spent much of the day outside. it was cold but sunny (another day they got wrong – it was supposed to be rainy – loved and appreciated every moment of it!). i bundled up in layers and took off on a bike ride – a first in a few months. my legs said “YES YES YES GO GO GO!” made my body happy – well except for my face – the only part of my body not protected. by the time i got home i had to apply a heated buddy on my face to dethaw.
i was thinking of yellow rose’s latest. i would have liked to hear more info on this “green light/good to go” she said came through in the last week or two.
i continue to feel anything being played out on the political stage will simply not be in my reality – my mate continues to have the same feeling. i don’t see a financial reset. healing tech. arrests. trials. MAYBE the next election but even at that – i just don’t have any real authentic interest in it. if i do it is either forced or just a distraction – a temporary moment to give me something to get excited about.
i pause – and laugh as i reflect on the grocery list i wrote up last night. end of month/beginning of month when bank account is low and bare shelves are showing up. as i wrote it i felt this frustration of having to repeat yet again another month of the “repeat world”. lol so i began writing and let myself completely go stream-of-consciousness. “butter. eggs. and almond milk. AND hemp milk. oh and some cheese. can’t forget the greens and fruit. oh and yes we also need some frigging flour for the frigging loaves of bread i am making now every couple of frigging days and hmm oh yes maple syrup and oh yes that’s right some potatoes for hashbrowns and yes some FRIGGING SNACKS because we can’t forget to have frigging snacks in the house….” honestly it wasn’t funny at the time but after i wrote it i looked and laughed.
it’s a challenge. it really is. i do my best to focus on the little things – watch the inner words. it’s just this “it’s a new month new checks coming in make another list for food and pay the bills and watch it all disappear in the first two weeks” cycle. that rinse and repeat. to be utterly honest this is now feeling like i am trying to convince myself i like eating snails for dinner. i can feel the gratitude for having them to eat – and a safe place in which to eat them – but the actual reality of the experience is simply not aligning with me deep within and there is no changing that. we are seriously burned out in this house over it – and i know many others are as well. i played the piano yesterday and stopped. it just isn’t doing it for me the way it once did.
so the feeling of “job is done. all is done here.” as rose and lisa have both shared – as well as many of lisa’s followers – seems to be solid and aligns w/some yet-to-be-seen/experienced Truth.
and that will just have to satiate me. for now i continue to remain open to something fun – enjoyable – and new in the here-and-now to present itself to me.
love,
victoria
