I am feeling a mix of agitation/frustration and calm. The agitation/frustration has the storyline that goes something like this:
“I was NOT planning on doing another summer here – another summer where all of the local events have thousands of people – heat – loud music – all of those things that send my particular body into over-drive. I don’t want to do another summer with kids running in and outside of the house – asking for food and drink and us not having the money to be able to feed them all what they want/need. I don’t want to do another summer in this area where all other parents have very good incomes and take their kids on vacations and sign them up for camps and all sorts of other things. That pressure is just something I do not wish to feel or experience. I was SERIOUSLY NOT PLANNING ON DOING THIS! UGH!…. I feel like the grinch – the noise. The noise. The noise! I am in my heart as much as I can be and this damn system keeps on going and keeps on poking away at me telling me reminding me I don’t have enough I am not young enough I don’t have enough energy to do the things I am supposed to do as a parent today.
I want to be where I have seen for so very long. With my family. Beautiful house of our dreams. Close to the beach. In the woods. Very small community. Peaceful. Quiet. TOTALLY RESTORED. I. Just. Want. To. Be. There. Already. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuc.
And until then, I just want to be in the quiet of my own home – left ALONE – until I DECIDE to engage.”
The calm says “be yourself. Trust. None of this is permanent.”
Ugh! Not so helpful at this point.
I was feeling more into the concept of “simulation”. What exactly does that mean and what can I do to break out of it and change how I approach it so I can have the best possible experience while I am still here?
If this really is a literal simulation and I am not even in a “real” body – real as in Original but a dumbed-down version of the Original – what now? Keep unplugging? Refuse to play ANY role that doesn’t align?
I was thinking of those who are homeless – how there is a sense of freedom to that – in spite of the horrors they face – having to find shelter – being harassed for building a shelter in a space someone says is not “allowed” – having to focus on where to sleep and how to eat and how to bathe and how to protect oneself from the elements. Then there are the homeless being’s who are whacked out on meth or alcohol or heroin and use force and violence to take from others who are, otherwise, peacefully without homes.
Where is the WIN WIN situation here?
There isn’t one.
As I recall from the movie “War Games” – it IS best not to play certain games. And the “go back to earth and pay to live and be controlled and confined by others definitions of how to do so and be attacked even more when you dare question it all” – that is a game I just don’t consent to. And it is my inner knowing I NEVER HAVE CONSENTED TO IT. Nothing within me feels I said “sure, let’s play this one!” I got trapped. Temporarily lost and thus confused.
And playing this role and this game is something I simply do not agree to play any longer.
How much longer until this game is over? And what can I do to hurry it along?
And what – do I do NOW – as I said above – to best experience this?
What I’ve always done – do the best I can. Remain in my heart. Know my stories. Love and forgive. And if I have to inconvenience others or violate some social expectation to take care of my needs because what this system offers just absolutely does not work for me, so be it.
That is all for now.
Love,
Victoria
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