so yet another day where i attempt to find the balance between the part of me that wants out of this shit hole and the other part that doesn’t want to focus on any of the shit in the hole and find peace.
serenity.
i held it in all day until around 4pm (pacific time). my mate was extra irritable as was my child. the desire to run away from this house was quite intense. i did my best to maintain the peace (that’s what i often end up doing in this life cycle and honestly, honey child, i feel quite DONE with that role). i cleaned the yuck out of the house to return it to heaven. blessed every thing. i gave it a cleaning at a level i haven’t done in a year. maybe two. it exhausted me but i did it. i thought it would maybe make me feel better.
of course it didn’t. maybe at some level – the fung shui concept of clutter, dust, etc. blocking energy. so while it did feeeeel better to my body, the fatigue only increased as did the inner “SERENITY NOW” feel.
i went to the store to get some pizza dough. i was going to make it from scratch but after all i had already done, no way was that happening. on the return trip home, Supertramp came on the radio. love that group. “The Logical Song”. love that song. kind of a theme song for me.
“when I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful….a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical…..and all the birds in the trees, well they’d be singing so happily….oh joyfully, playfully watching me…”
i looked in the rear-view mirror at my girl…admiring her innocence….the wind and sun on her face, causing her to squint while enjoying the breeze on her face. she is still in that “life is so wonderful, a miracle” space and oh goddess, my mate and i do all we can to keep her that way. maybe we over-shield her in some ways. maybe we share too much. it’s a difficult balance to find. i thought back to myself ~ went within to remember in my body when i once thought life was wonderful and a miracle. then came public schools and each year, little pieces of that was chipped away, replaced by toughness. left brained logic.
“there are times when all the world’s asleep…the questions run so deep….for such a simple man…..won’t you please, please tell me what we’ve learned….i know it sounds absurd….please tell me who i am…”
i sang this song to the universe. i have lived this song. lived and breathed the words of it and their meaning for as long as i can remember. questioning has gotten old. i have outgrown that. energetically.
i want the truth of ALL revealed to me upon my command of NOW.
i want my friggin’ freedom NOW.
i cried as i listened to more of the words. yes, yes and yes. i get it.
we all get it by now.
we all want more and different.
i wish to be free of the struggle to maintain this physical vessel while being inundated with poisons from toxins, chemicals and really shitty technologies ~ all against my will and consent. i am so overly beyond DONE with that.
this entire journey has been about taking 2 steps forward, 1 step back.
sometimes a step and 3/4.
i know this isn’t how it is supposed to be.
i know this is ending.
i know a date was given.
i really need that date to be now.
until then, serenity NOW.
much love,
victoria
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