Today I had the experience again of feeling the pain of separation. I’ve been wondering “just what is this Source energy?” Can I define it or is it just something to feel. I sigh and release as I say “I could really use some help in feeling this connection”.
I thought of the movie Contact where Ellie has met the other dimensional being (disguised as her dad to make her feel safe), who tells her “the only thing we know that makes the loneliness bearable is each other.” That scene always moves me.
Who of us does feel totally plugged in? I have had several moments that began back in 2005/2006. Lately I am having them more. I am taking that as a good sign that I am tuning in more. Then I have moments like today where I feel this big “hole” inside my chest. And wow – is that a painful hole to feel. But feel I did today, standing in front of the mirror, hand on my heart, breathing slow and deep, telling myself it is ok to feel this pain.
Part of me said “no push it away I am not going there – too painful” but I gently pushed on and said “feel – I am safe. I am not alone. It’s ok.”
Crying and a release of energy followed, allowing me to breath normally again. I was about ready to hyperventilate.
I began to ponder something I hear others say – of which I am hearing quite a bit lately: Find your bliss, do it and the money will follow.
I then heard *that* part of me say “what brings you joy?”
What brings me bliss?
Hmmm. I had some more time on my hands. Child was outside playing with chalk so grabbing pad and pen, I headed outside to dig deeper into this question that has been arising lately.
I thought back to childhood. What brought me joy back then? Bliss?
Hmmm…
Writing? Adventure and fun, yes but joy? Not quite.
Playing the piano? See above.
I kept coming back to the image of me being on my bike. I am normally a very cautious person ~ but put me on a bike and I morph back into a 7 year old girl. I (attempt to these days) do wheelies. Jump off curves. Ride with my legs spread out. Pedal as fast as I can to get a great speed going. Maneuver in and out of obstacles, both real and imagined.
I was the same as a child ~ only back then we wore no helmets. I remember being the first girl in our neighborhood who went over the all-boys bike ramp. They refused to let me ride on it – so I waited until the boys were inside and then I had my own good time.
So I said ok I can’t really make a financial living doing this. What is it about the experience of bike riding I loved?
The freedom.
The adrenaline rush of the speed.
Feeling the wind in my face.
Going so fast I was convinced I could fly.
But mostly – the absolute freedom. To just be One with Nature. One with the wind. It is such a divine connection. Put me on a bike and my heart smiles ~ especially when I bike alone. Oh wow – nothing like it!
So perhaps it is a calling to get on my bike more than I do now – alone. Perhaps during this experience of being in the blissful state of NOW, more answers will come to me on this particular issue I am so ready to bury. Or heck, maybe I’ll gather older people, get them back on their bikes and take ’em on rides. Create a class around that. Rediscovering the inner child ~ on wheels. Who knows!
Much peace and blessings to we the warriors as we continue along our experiences of remembering and healing. ♥
Victoria
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It shouldn’t be this hard for us.