i’m seeing this more and more – some people losing their minds….or shall i say losing their programs and in the process, chaos is ensuing. it’s sad – and a bit disconcerting. i’ve had a couple of moments myself – when i am under a lot of stress that puts me into a state of numbness and trauma – where i feel “ok this is it. i’m losing it.” but i come back to center and do what neo does when he does that cool deep-breathing/regrouping.
i don’t share all that goes on with my life – mostly for privacy reasons – some out of not wanting to rock any boats or offend anyone. i am by nature a maker of peace – and conflict – especially when it is the same topic being visited over and over – is something that quite frankly repulses me.
the topic of money as you all know by now stresses me more than any thing. my left hand and left foot are numb at times – tingly actually. i am in need of chiropractic work and have yet to find one who will work with me. my insurance doesn’t cover it.
i visited my neighbor last week and practically begged him to hire me – let me clean his house (which he desperately needs). organize it. cook him a homecooked meal. he wasn’t interested. my spouse works for him in the warmer months and gets paid for it – rightfully so. i don’t know if it’s because i’m a woman or if it’s simply another moment where the matrix seems to be working through another to ensure i do not make the money i seek – am willing to work for – and deserve.
i’m beyond fed up with this topic. i have been “attacked” for lack of a better word for not having enough for far too long. and i am not going to be silent about it – i am not going to stop asking for help. at some point that dam will burst wide open and i will have what i seek – what i am worthy of – and what i am willing to work/exchange my time FOR. and i already do a lot of that here at this site – work.
i will take it to another level. i don’t need advice. i don’t need to listen to videos. the need is basic – money. that is it – nothing more, nothing less.
my desire to be fully transparent and honest has arrived. at least it has gone to the next level. whatever embarrassment or shame or fear i may feel – the desire to say “this is who i am this is what i deserve if you value me and what i offer you will show this in a financial way” – is here. solid. but gentle too.
at some point this will be mute – but now perhaps i am being given the chance to be more firm energetically and acknowledge ME.
and that is indeed what this current experience is about – transparency and revealing All.
love,
victoria
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