this has been a challenging day. our neighbor – whom we call “grandpa/dad” – had to be taken to the ER today. it wasn’t a serious emergency but enough of one his doctor ordered him to go. he was going to schedule surgery on his back – but today the condition was so serious he could barely walk. we helped him finish getting dressed and into our other neighbor’s car and off he went. last call we received he will likely be scheduled for surgery first thing tomorrow.
it’s scary. i never do well with situations like this where i have no control. on the outside, i look together. i can talk about it. i can take action when i need to as i did today. but inside? my heart? my mind? i’m anything but “together”. he really is like family to us (and that is something that is in serious short supply in our life) and we’re all afraid – worried. our girl of course is as well and we talked with her quite a bit today about what happened. she had never seen her grandpa like that. she asked the question if he was going to be ok. i said yes i felt he would be – told her his doctor and surgeon really are the best around here so he was in very competent hands. however she asked if i was really sure he would be ok.
no – i’m not. he’s elderly. there are risks involved at his age. i was going to tell her yes – i knew he would be ok – but i decided to be honest. no – i cannot guarantee he will be ok. but i did say the odds were overwhelmingly in his favor.
this just sucks – being human in this 3d shithole, ok? when you KNOW all that has been hidden that could be released now – in just this instance – to heal another in need.
i’m f’ing done with this game of suck it up and pretend.
the political stuff reaching new level of crazy today making my mind scream inside. had to turn it off – walk away. the amount of illegal happenings now – why there cannot or are not arrests happening now and i mean now – tonight – of those violating them – i don’t comprehend that. any joe/jane average person would have been locked away long go. i’m not liking any part of this “plan”.
tonight someone local was expressing concern over seeing someone wearing a baphomet necklace. the talk turned to satanism and i was appalled over how many locals support satanism – saying it isn’t what people really think it is. and hey even chelsea clinton is said to be a satanist and she’s a good person.
jeezus wipes! awakening happening? not in my city. not even CLOSE to an awakening.
i’m pausing now – laughing a bit – as i have been narrowing down a group of people to go see for claustrophobia experiences. what do i say? hey i not only feel stuck and overwhelmed in certain situations but i feel stuck in this realm and i want a COMPLETELY NEW experience. not just a better version of what i have (although t this point i’d jump at that experience) – but a totally new experience of freedom and real connection and creating.
an experience where i can talk freely because we’re all at the same level of awareness.
an experience where i feel deep connection with others – with my experience.
an experience where ALL has been seen and revealed.
an experience where not one more being or entity is powering-over me.
an experience where – with our “neighbor/family” – we say hey no big deal remember? we got a quick cure for that!
and no need to concern yourself with insurance or money because hey that was old 3D crap.
say any of that to a counselor and see the look appear behind the politically correct words that come out. i’ve had it happen.
not that i’m bitter or anything. lol yeah – obviously there is that element to me. i’m just absolutely finished with how i am feeling inside – the waiting – the frustration – the longing. thoughts create your feeling experience. i get that. and yet – i don’t know what new thoughts to have. anything new feels like a lie.
so i continue on as is – and as I Am.
appreciate healing thoughts sent the way of our family member.
love,
victoria
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